Classic Lies We Gay Men Tell Each Other.

By Kamal Fitsum.

Before we get started on this end of week segment, I have a disclaimer: The following text is satire and is not meant to encourage division, homophobia or even be taken seriously, for that matter. 
It’s a major violation of Man Law...Uum what else… Not only am I about to reveal the secret lies that deceitful gay and bisexual men tell each other but I'm also going to translate what they actually mean. I’m sure this will ruin things for a lot of men out there. They will no longer be able to use these lines in their attempts to deceive unsuspecting thirsty homosexuals too caught up in lust to realize the obvious. Let’s do this kuchus (slang for gay men here in Kenya)! Besides, we are gay and we’ll be here for a while. One thing you should ask your fine self: How many of these lies have you used and was it worth it? 

Oh! Let’s get your usual music going:

LIE:
"My Phone Had Died."
TRANSLATION:
"I didn't feel like talking to you so I screened your calls/texts."

LIE:
"My phone charges better when it's turned off."
TRANSLATION:
"I can't talk to you at home in front of my boyfriend."

LIE:
"Yeah, I'm masculine."
TRANSLATION:
"I'm the most masculine person amongst my ultra fem-queen friends. 
So technically I'm masculine....ish."

LIE:
"There wasn't any signal where I was. I didn't even see that you called me."
TRANSLATION:
"Even though this is laughable when it happens in horror movies, you will believe it not realizing that I was actually with another guy."

LIE:
"I fell asleep."
TRANSLATION:
"I was deliberately screening and avoiding your calls/texts but you will still believe I was asleep in the middle of the day."

LIE:
"Sup stranger, miss you..."
TRANSLATION:
"The dude I was talking to is a wrap so now I'm digging in my phone for old scraps to fill time until he gets back with me."

LIE:
"Something came up, my fault, can't meet up tonight."
TRANSLATION:
"The dude I really want FINALLY hit me up tonight to hang out!"

LIE:
"Oh him? We're just friends."
TRANSLATION:
"He's my recent Ex that I used to fuck (maybe occasionally still do)."

LIE:
"Sorry, I was working late."
TRANSLATION:
"I was with another guy all night and we had amazing oral sex."

LIE:
"I'm versatile, but I'll only bottom for the right dude."
TRANSLATION:
"I'm a bottom." (Cole, no offence I know you have an exclusive bottys’ piece coming up)

LIE:
"I've never done that with anyone but you."
TRANSLATION:
"I want you to think I'm kinda innocent but actually I'm a recovering whore."

LIE:
"My boyfriend? We JUST broke up."
TRANSLATION:
"We're still together on and off again but I want you to THINK we broke up."

LIE:
"My apartment doesn't get good reception so only text me, don't call."
TRANSLATION:
"I can't talk to you at home in front of my boyfriend."

LIE:
"I'm only looking for 'Friends First' and we'll take it from there."
TRANSLATION:
"I want to string you along for a while in case a better option comes along."

LIE:
"My 'best friend' is coming in from outta town this weekend. Gotta entertain him."
TRANSLATION:
"This other dude I've been chatting with online is coming in from outta town this weekend. Gotta hook-up with him."

LIE:
"Sorry, I’ve been really busy"
TRANSLATION:
"I made the time to do a whole lot of other things BESIDES link up with you."

LIE:
"Oh, I decided at the last minute to go out."
TRANSLATION:
"I told you I was busy and/or sick but really I had already made other plans."

LIE:

"I love you so much that dinner and drinks are on me tonight."
TRANSLATION:
"I fucked a co-worker during lunch today."

Think about it guys, our queer lives are mostly built on lies and the bad thing with lies is that we never remember them.  

The major worry is always about getting caught but hey, we all do it save our asses but then the damage is already done. As you set off for your weekend, try as much as possible to keep it real. 

Kisses!

Kamal Fitsum
 

Kamal Fitsum is a Kenyan expatriate working for gainful employment in West Africa. He’s an ardent reader and enthusiast of LGBT rights. He has a pretty fertile mind on the gay scene and is also a very keen observer of the happenings in the same.