Right of Reply: The distance between Loneliness and Love is spent on Risk and Tears.

Host: Mutisya Leonard

Previously on T.S.R©

Nah, you're slutty and you blow it bitch!’…

…while on that high horse of being an opinionated bitch with little or no respect for men, I lost my intuitive skills to tell when a guy is having a boner for me.

…He dexterously slices the strips of roasted pork on his end. I regard him with awe and lots of respect. He equally has great fingers. The things we could do with them!

…‘I swear I really want to fuck you like right now!’ he muttered in between the passionate kisses.

…He’s walking barefoot. I like seeing a man’s naked foot. It’s not only a turn on at times but helps you assess his grooming manners.

…Wait a Minute! The fucking playlist is customized…for ME!

 …The hot water bites my skin as it flows right through the crack of my ass donk down to the turquoise tiled floor. 

...The usual town hoes are getting hitched to some cultured gentlemen while our good church-going boys are getting deflowered by men they would bribe God for no one to find out. 

********

With tremendous respect... 

Cole Mutahi has obstinately been a Class A bitch and he writes about men as I would about dogs: pretty to take on walks but off discussion as housemates or (God forbid) life partners. That is why I was pleased to read his recent 2-part series about longing Here and Here. I even clandestinely inquired that he confirms to me that the said revelations were not works of fiction. Granted he is not moving in with JK just yet (or ever), I still identified with his experience intimately, and I make this guest appearance on T.S.R because I have been waiting long for Cole to drop his whorish (in the politest) zega sex hunts for a quest for love. 

Shaun T and his beau courtesy of HeMeetsHim.Com

This is the whole point of Valentine. To celebrate that journey that is never complete but whose charm is mysteriously in the effort – The effort to find a spirit so numbing that you see yourself most beautiful through their eyes; a spirit so comforting and safe that you offer up your body, heart and energy; a spirit that is the force for which you will sacrifice anything and everything to guard and nurture that which you create together. We all have one life but it appears when we fall in love, we get a second. A chance to live twice and sadly: ultimately die twice.

At some point in life we recognize ourselves as queer and progressively come out to ourselves, friends and family.  As we seek acceptance and affirmation of our different feelings and worldview, we realize we were born alone, live alone and may die alone. In fact, at times coming out can be more distressing than encouraging, particularly when coming out exposes you to hostility and hate. Coming out constantly reminds you that you are different, and that you need to be brave to make it. You also acknowledge the crucial, but limited, role your support network plays in helping you affirm yourself and improve your love and care of self. 

You understand that beyond the acceptance you seek from society, your private life may never be accepted and shared by another suitable person. The desire to love and be loved is a natural human experience. Love matters, even the appearance of it. Love inspires, causes contentment, security and hope. Love, the right kind, improves us, makes us better, happier.

You determine that though you live alone, you desire to share life with someone you love, and you weigh in on what kind of person may be ideal to walk in your life. You may then:

a.     Choose to pursue the desired person,

b.     Wait out for them, or

c.      Give up on the idea that your desires will be packaged, by fate (or God), into one or a few that fall in your path.

Whatever our state —searching, waiting or pessimistic— we are discouraged at how few visible lasting and happy committed queer relationships are available locally. Also, it is a widely accepted bad joke that queer folk are too hot blooded to settle. Among us though, there are a number of us that choose not to resign hope on the prospect of enduring queer love: we continue meeting friends of friends, stay on dating sites, and visit cruising joints.

To be lonely is to be frightened by the thought that we desire to share our achievements, challenges, hopes and fears, and when we do not find this true love, life partner for a shared journey, our life may be full but never complete, our houses furnished but never warm, and always houses, never homes. And loneliness, may be absent from our lives for long growing up and then all of a sudden, it presents itself impatiently, distressingly, steadfastly.

Hoping onto unlikely men

I have been truly lonely. I am, in fact. And it is ironic that when we are our most vulnerable selves, we abandon caution and take the biggest risks hoping on to the most unlikely and undeserving men. We have a knack of taking the biggest, riskiest leaps when we have least strength. We break easily, but trust easier. We often regret the leaps, but keep taking them.

We are encouraged to enjoy being single and to celebrate and build ourselves, and this advice, though helpful and smart, is easier said than done. We keep lonely. Loneliness, this kind of loneliness, is distressing; and the longing to be liberated in love is quite tedious. 

Two People, different mantras

Yet among us there are those who create loneliness for themselves and others by rejecting affection—refusing anyone to become significant in their lives. These people are of 2 kinds.

The first kind are they who claim that all that queer folk want and can give is sex, whereas it is they who stop at sex for fear of staying on to build intimacy. In their belief that queer love is a misnomer, they seek unloving men and quick sex fixes—and they get what they seek.

Then there are the self-preserving kinds who are emotionally hesitant. They date, but to reduce their risk of heartbreak make the relationship weak and non-committal that you hardly talk, meet or share magical moments, or they are so removed that  they delay trusting and committing to exclusive love for excuses like the timing of their personal and career goals.

“A career is wonderful, but you can't curl up with it on a cold night!” ― Marilyn Monroe 

The truly lonely know that more than any other assignment in life, we must approach the effort to love with the most abandon, risk and faith. Similar to loving and believing in God, loving someone requires you commit to put in work to create something beautiful and secure, and not necessarily because they earned your confidence, but because you appreciate them and their potential to make you happier, better. We hope that they will earn your confidence and that the love will make sense, over time. It rarely works out, eventually, but we forgive, forget, learn and take another shot, doing our best to afford every new chance full effort.

Pic 2: Courtesy of HeMeetsHim.Com

I believe in God and that God is Love, and that we are manifestation of that love. I believe sincere companionship unknowing of gender achieves a completeness that celebrates God’s love: a realization that we are designed to share life, live and laugh together. Unlike animals, humans have the emotional capacity to make companionship for non-reproductive purposes. 

I want the full road of love: all the way to getting my civil union registered in South Africa, the children, his dog and his second name. In this unloving African zega life I proudly pursue my dream.

It appears love will only happen when two are lonely enough to find each other, take the risk to have their hearts broken and make this effort work through trust and tears along the way. Theoretically, only the truly lonely will find love.

Life is a challenge and not a competition; Love with your heart because there is only one you!
 

Mutisya Leonard

* Mutisya Leonard is a LGBTI and HIV health specialist and activist, and a duly sworn TSRian©. Follow him on Twitter:  @Mutisyal.