Grey, Grim and Smokey...

By Steph_Ben 

I am sitting in this Porch of a poky hotel in West Africa, watching how the rain is causing some struggles to the city. I'm safe. I'm protected. The city looks like it is on fire. There's no burning happening. People are running around trying to defend their fine selves from the storm. Yet again, I'm safe, I'm protected... I have to confess though; I like the sight of it! 

I'm trying to think what makes people different on how they feel, how they perceive things in life. Why are people running away from the rain? Why do I feel safe and protected?

There was a time in my life that I did run too. I tried to hide in many corners trying to avoid to be rained on. Until you realized that in order to survive, sometimes you need to be rained on. What makes people special is how you deal whilst you are under...and more importantly, how you deal with it later on... Resilience.

I have to confess that I've been in all kind of situations. Some of them I wouldn't dare to confess openly and publicly, it will be too harsh or even too embarrassing. Others could be as fun as embarrassing, yet again, to confess. However, there is a bunch of experiences that 'age' provides besides the best possible advice.

I keep listening to people say that 'age' is a number... I hate to break it to you (and your therapist) It is not! This does not work in the 'scene'. Unfortunately, in some 'civilizations', more specifically in the gay western world, after 30, you are dead. No matter how well you keep yourself, no matter how skilled you are, no matter how rich you are (well that latter bit is not entirely true).

This assumption has a negatively impacts your self-confidence – an impact that has more power than the fact that you are still breathing-Self-worth has become a utopia more than a right. We are always talking about the stigma inflicted by the 'straight guys' without realizing that we are our own worst enemies. (Please, let's not talk if you are fat and or ugly).  Honeys, I have been there and bought the T-shirt!

  

From this end, Age is a collection of experiences that make you wiser or, if possible, more naive or stupid but it is definitely imperative to go through. I have to point it out that being in my early forties; I have been naive and stupid, yes! And some people might think that I am wise (this remains to be proven) What is clear to me is that some of my past experiences, have helped me to understand who I am, to understand how stupid I have been and, ultimately, to understand how experiences, as bad as they can be, can help you to find yourself in a situation that you would have never expected in a million years.

Yes, life can be grey, grim and smokey sometimes; as grey as overlooking Freetown on a rainy season, as grim as having to deal with demons from the past on your own, hiding from yourself, and as smokey as enjoying being in a cloud delighting yourself  on a blurred day taking the responsibility away.

Then one day you wake up. You don't have any other option than waking up or just let life to consume the little that is left on you. That is when it comes your point of inflection. What are you going to do? (WTF do I know?) It is then when you realize that life will be as grey, grim and smokey as you decide to be.

It sounds easy, I know. Then, I think is when 'age' comes in to play a crucial role in this part. Not because I think 'experiences' have made me wiser but because despite being grey, grim and smokey outside, it is bright and glowing inside. I learn not to complain and moan about my situation and just decided to install new software called 'urgent remedies'. Urgent Remedies consist of taking the damn horns of the bull in your hands and to be honest: Deal with it!

You would never imagine how surprising this is. Suddenly, I realized by doing this I have never felt in love before. Suddenly, I realized that the love that I feel today exceeds all my expectations. Suddenly, I realized that I am, actually, as happy as I can ever be. Suddenly, I realized that I have been stupid for so long that this has made me wiser. 

In usual T.S.R fashion, let me say great weekend bitches. As honored as I am to contribute to the Situation Room thanks to Cole Mutahi, this does not pretend to be a lecture or else. Just rumbling thoughts and self-reflection influenced by the grey, grim and smokey that today feels bright and sparky.

...the first person that is in your mind the moment you open your eyes after a long sleep, is the reason of either your happiness or pain...

I feel safe. I feel protected.

Regards,

Steph_Ben

Steph_Ben is not only a great friend to TSR but also an established psychologist and expert on some key/pertinent areas in the modern society. He currently lives with his partner and their adorable Txauri. This is his introductory article to TSR. He introduces us to a month long of guests whose articles will be largely based on very solid observations.