A New Crush; Superbly Matured. Since 1988…

Previously on C.D.R

“Are you sure?” The kind cab driver asks him maintaining a steady eye contact. If hospitality in Addis comes through pouring on yourself some ambo water, why lie, I’m game!

The groom is among a long list of crushes I had while growing up…

…there are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis. This was not one of those times.

…Sweet dude, let's give Cole the Eiffel Tower tonight!

*******

They say the best things in this life are either illegal, expensive or married to. That sums up Eli. Ever met a guy for the first time and just seen the husband potential in him without even thinking of his d*ck? Oops that was just off, let me rephrase…

I arrive at the gate of the establishment shortly after 6.30p.m on a Friday evening. I call the groom. He picks on the second ring and advises me to meet some gentleman waiting for me at the parking bay as soon as I have cleared with security. Light shade of brown sweater, 6’3; not so dark; the handsome you notice shortly and an athletic body minus a beer gut. 

 ‘Hey, I’m Eli.’ He says extending a steady handshake. ‘I’m Collins. It’s a pleasure.’  I respond matter of fact-ly with my usual artificial smile.  

‘Er. Collins, I hope you’ll be okay from here. I got to handle other things. You could wait at the church. He’ll be joining you shortly.’ He says as soon as we’ve stepped out of the car in front of vintage chapel. I quickly nod in approval absorbed in his sharp eyes. They are shimmering in reflection of the chapel’s colored lights. O’ Boy, even Jesus approves of this man!

-------

 ‘You won’t be coming for the evening party?’ He asks with a lot of concern. His hand is subconsciously still clutching onto mine.

‘Unfortunately not. I feel so tired already and being my birthday, I need to go spend some time on myself.’ I respond. He suddenly pulls me into a bear hug saying ‘Wow…Happy Birthday! You should have my number, I work in the CBD, we could do lunch sometime.’ He insists even as I’m busy telling him I’ll get it from the groom. The Cole modesty fails terribly!

I leave the wedding venue proud and grinning from ear to ear. The bar has been set for 25 - the age of kissing my twink years goodbye as I forge towards the cougar days. I’m just glad I still have a nice donk going. Oops, Focus Cole…

*******

Behind The Scenes

1. ♪♪ “Jingle balls Jingle balls, Jingle all the way….” Oops! I meant bells rather. The festive season beckons. (In a Norridge Accent) I always get a repertoire of vouchers at this time courtesy of winnings in our shopping malls. This season however, all I just want to do is be on a date in that 3D X rider thing place at the Junction provided it’s a weekday afternoon lest I make a fool of myself in front of other patrons at the mall who’ll be watching us from outside.  Still on jingling balls bells, I’ve been slightly indisposed in the past few days hence the hiatus. Fine. I’ve also been having some serious episode of writer’s block. Writing to some extent is like sex with a guy you particularly don’t feel bust still have to keep him around for the dry days; you just have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. Holy sh*t! Did I just sound profound there? Really. It’s like watching Kanye banging Kim K on a moving motorbike in that Bound 2 explicit YouTube clip. One sure has to be in the rhythm. That music video though. Is it just me who feels it’s a pile of crap despite the promising opening vocals. We have three articles to go but C.D.R in its usual tradition and in the spirit of Christmas reserves the last article in this year’s writing season to any of you who just wants to entertain us. My E-Mail is colemutahi@gmail.com if you are game.

2. Colerians (formerly Tsrians) are a peculiar lot. Somewhere in this blog I admitted I’m no one’s cum bucket. I couldn’t hear the end of that word. So last time when we were talking about men from the north and I talked about a sexual position in threesomes called Eiffel Tower that I’d just learnt, the feedback I got! Yes. I’ve never been in an orgy and I’m told a threesome is the first step towards gang banging. What is most fascinating is that apparently it’s also a new style for most of you who are experienced in matters threesomes/orgies. Really guys? Don’t you do any research before trying out these things? Maybe it’s just me but I’m a firm believer in doing my homework lest I end up breaking someone’s stick or better yet fracture a neck, no?

3. Speaking of men from the North. I forgot to say that they are very influential when it comes to decision making. A submissive pretty boy may act all independent but we all know that a man’s presence in his life helps him make up his mind faster on things. The northern men were without doubt impressed with the article and there are quarters that now regard me as an honorary Northerner. I even think plans are at an advanced level to procure me a husband. I Know Right! I will just ask the men from the North one thing as we plan this noble national duty: who does one need to sleep with at the policy and foreign business licensing level? Let’s admit, your ID cards are not exactly appealing to the eye as your beautiful faces and maybe it’s a great idea for us to start a modern ID processing plant there, no? *Leaves the Discourse Room before heels and tampons are thrown at him*

4. The thought of getting me a new Tat to reward a recent achievement in my life was so rife until I ran into the picture below.  I Know Right! The magic Ben, my ink artiste would do with this piece of paper is well…magical.

******

I walk into the brightly lit cathedral and sit on the pew at the back to think about my life. I’m strangely unperturbed. Jeez, I’m not even that deep but what’s with churches and reminding us of our transgressions? I look around. The event planners are in an adrenaline rush doing last minute decorating. I look at my watch and conclude that the rehearsal will clearly not start on time hence I won’t get enough time to go get a large Hawaiian pizza to usher in my 25^th Anniversary at midnight. Finally the other members of the bridal party start streaming in and within no time the rehearsals commence. Eli, the object of my dreams (I’ve since known he’s the best man from the rest of the group) walks through the main door, joins us and accordingly supervises. Isn’t he hands on! Thorough even but still remains friendly while at it. It is such scenes that remind me I’ll never have a church wedding. So much pressure e.g. holding a girl right, you shouldn’t look down. Meh! After the session, while we are walking along the driveway to the parking, he excuses himself from our group at some point saying he has to take some belongings to his wife who’s holed up somewhere in the compound. The Fuck!

*******

I walk past the gate and return the boisterous greetings accorded to me by the guards who have carefully examined my ID. The establishment is beautiful and lush. I text the groom telling him that I’ve arrived and then take a seat at the reception area. I reach for my phone to pick a call. Got to love birthday anniversaries, everyone just seems to remember you very early in the morning. While I’m still on phone, a tall tower of water in green sweat pants and a jacket is walking towards me. The still rising sun’s rays illuminate his face giving it a radiant feel. It’s the married crush from last evening! I disconnect the call. ‘Morning…Collins right?’ He says extending a handshake. Oh Boy he remembered my name. He advises me to accompany him as the rest of the groomsmen are already inside preparing. We walk into a huge building. Once in, we pace across a well lit hallway with various wall hangings. My eyes wane into an elaborate piece of art where a man who’s mouth has formed a neat ‘O’ with his hands behind his head is knelt down. I don’t think he was praying as Eli led me to believe. I walk into the room where the other gentlemen are busy tying their ties looking all sharp and handsome. Meeaow! Got to love a man in suit any day.

I’m taken to a laundry room by the beaming groom (who’s yet to dress up) where my Bagazello suit dangles in a closet. I look at the Daniel Hechter shirt and the ironing board and decide that it clearly needs some smooth down. The groom steps out holding a mug of freshly brewed coffee to attend to his many phone calls. While I’m still ironing the collars of my shirt, a tall, half naked man only in his checked blue cotton boxers ‘accidentally’ walks into the laundry room. He’s hairy around his broad chest. The hairs are aligned neatly down the length of his sternum. He’s not really muscular but has a very supple brown skin. Uuuuuh Child! Seeing this man is only comparable to that brief Chris Hemsworth bare chest scene on Thor 2. It gets worse because in 3D you are tempted to reach for his man tits and squeeze them because they are just in front of you. This chic who was seated next to me at IMAX during the viewing suddenly started choking; thankfully she never went down on her knees. We all love the build of these men but someone once told me that it’s better not to let your imagination wander so much below their waistlines as you may be disappointed. I don’t know how true that is. By the way, are there porn flicks shot on 3D? A friend of a friend requested me to ask you guys on his behalf.

“Say what now?” I ask him smiling and ensuring my eyes don’t disappoint me by going south of his groin. He asks me to notify him as soon as I’m done as he also needs to iron his shirt. I immediately offer to do it on his behalf. He is reluctant but I insist. Ladies, Gentlemen. I haven’t ironed anything for the past one year or so but how I managed to ensure the shirts’ sleeves could dissect a fly is still beyond me. He comes back after ten minutes with everything on minus his shirt. I notice some numerical ink on his man breast which upon my asking as he inches closer to collect his shirt tells me that they birthday dates for his two children. Aww! But the torture a zega man goes through in such settings! Now I can relate to what the likes of Jason Collins used to go through in those locker rooms!

To cut the long story short, by the end of this day, I almost choked on rich fruit cake thanks to the groom being so generous as it was my day (wished it was someone something else next to him choking me); I intentionally breached the social distance by standing in front of him to adjust his cravat (which by the way had no issue) and I have since been asked to go for coffee when free. I’m still thinking about it three weeks later. Do married visibly straight heterosexual men ask anyone out for coffee? Okay why the heck do I always fall for married men anyway? Aaargh!

I have since learnt Eli is a passive laid-back rugby enthusiast. I honestly have never been to the Kenya sevens (sic) or even followed rugby (union or league) generally. You know, all that scrum, crouch, bind and set sh*t; Props who are the biggest (we are referring to their large body frame here just in case your mind got nomadic) players on the team; the hooker (no pun intended) who’s supported by the props; knock – ons etc. What? Oh. Can’t a pretty boy know his sports! Turning 25 should sure get me involved into more charitable ventures e.g. volunteering at the sevens as a ‘fitness attendant’ without expecting any stipends. That I’ve been having aspirations of rubbing massaging a strong well–built thigh, sweaty sturdy biceps complete with outline of veins and calves to relieve the pain (after a tough game) is not in doubt. Clearly I’ve lost the plot in this story…

To be continued…

*******

“Too many young folk have addiction to superficial things and not enough conviction for substantial things like justice, truth and love.” - Cornel West

Since I have failed in dating a tall Jason – Winston – George looking brother who runs a bar in Westlands and prefers keeping clothes to the minimum while  in his studio apartment, some of the things I’m told are supposed to be in my to do list at 25 so as to remain socially relevant are namely:

• Kiss someone I think is out of my league; kiss models (Wilson – he of the Versman Commercial–Hello!), med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai (Also known as Dubai Sevens) and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward. 
• Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things don’t pan out quite like expected at times, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have – well I’m going to collect mine next week!
• Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you. – This isn’t happening, No.
•  Learn to have sex with the lights on. – Er…this is something I must confess is still a work in progress. That’s why my bedroom is dimly lit in the guise of a colored bulb. Do you have sex under 100 watts of bulb light? Don’t ask me about daytime. There is just something about sex and night time but they say if you are brave and bold enough he’ll find you sexier. Hmm...
•  Date someone who says, “I love you” first. – I love it!
• Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it. – I’m actually looking at my diary. I think I should do the South (through the North though) but there is no way I’ll ever sleep in a dirty hostel
• Donate Blood. – Okay, this one I must do. Does going for a HIV test count? 
• Learn how to use a corkscrew (The pun in this word) even though I am a teetotaler. – Now that I’ve learnt what Rosé is courtesy of a friend, I need to delve more into differentiating between dry chardonnay and a sweeter pinot 

Next Week on C.D.R

… I’ll have to disagree with you there. The code is clear. As a bottom, I never look at my role as a source of victimhood; sometimes you only need some human warmth to get you through the cold night, that’s where a man comes in.

…But due to my obdurate behavior, I never listened. After having tasted the fruit of anal gay sex (which was sweet, still is)  no one could tell me what to do. And so when I had unprotected sex with three different men at different intervals, and the feeling was even sweeter, there was no stopping me.  

It will be World AIDS Day so let me just say he’s tall, dark, and handsome; boasts of a readership base of almost 80K due to his prolific writing and happens to be one of my mentors in this blogging business, living positively and has never looked back…

Cole