Suck d!ck for success? – Part 2 of 2: High Maintenance Boys and 'Professional students'

My friend Sage* once told me over lunch that the ultimate curse in this life is having 3 concurrent states: Being Black, Gay and Poor. It never made much sense then because I was just embracing this life. Philip McGraw once opined, ‘Some people prefer the passenger role, because it imposes no real pressure to decide or stand accountable for their life results.’  That’s why we find ourselves in peculiar circumstances discussing these things. Today we embark on the final part of our series on money boys.

Behind the scenes Update (s)

It’s official. I love my body. You guys remember those scratches I underwent while cycling a fortnight or two ago? Well, the other day during my usual dance-while-you-are-naked-dressing-for-work-session I realized something: The marks are no longer visible! Hope you normally take time to examine your body, (nude) it helps you appreciate what mama gave you! I think the good diet and exercise have also helped. Now I can get my ass back on the road but more watchful!

So where did we stop last time? Let’s see…Ha! The Museum rendezvous right? Well, to be honest it went great. I reported on time for some delicious lunch and a good conversation. I also got a few hints for purposes of T.S.R. To be brief, I’ve actually superbly matured since the last time I was there. May it also go on record that the gentleman I was in the company of still had to be supportive at that snake section. Those things are huge and scary! I’m talking about the real serpent here not those ones some of you boast to have a reputation for ‘down there’. After the tour, I opted to go to Sarit. $30 later having got myself all the books in The 50 Shades Trilogy, you might as well accuse me of marketing this book in Africa but never before have I been privileged to read porn. Of course with my pink highlighter to note all the juicy lines, I hope I do a brief review on it when I’m done. The book has that ‘I-am-accessing-planetromeo-in-a-matatu’ effect. You know the way you always hope that the passenger seated next to you is not watching? Yap! This wasn’t dominant in Sandra Brown’s ‘Where there is smoke’ which apparently my brother Eric had to make some guarantee concerning its loss last Friday while we were attending some cocktail evening at The NEST (Just so you know I got to meet and greet the hot cast of Nairobi Half Life) Damn! Call me a groupie but I absolutely appreciate men who are jagged around the hedges. Many thanks to Double G and the crew, you guys keep up the noble call of inspiring, showcasing art and helping emerging artists like yours truly connect!

Maybe I'm 50 shades fucked up, Can you imagine I’m now even thinking of exploring some BDSM fantasies? Hey, it’s just a thought. Besides, don’t you think it would be good for once to talk about a pretty zega boy involved in some kinky slave tryst? One of the men I was talking to over the weekend maintains that a pretty boy who requires a lot of tools in his bedroom will make it a very expensive and an arduous affair for him to fuck! Personally, I think a lil’ palm spanking will do when I’m not relaxing (gosh, why do they always say that when getting in), maybe loose tying of my hands with a woven pencil tie, no fists, whips or chains involved... My Goodness, let’s focus! 

I headed back to work at around four. At least I won a shopping voucher (all in the name of Christmas) which was quickly spent on one of those Nivea body sprays for men. You never know who you may be ‘touched’ to help with all these street families all over the place. 

After visiting a guy’s place during a weekend the dude gave him two options: Give him fare back to his place or drop him at the CBD. Which one would you go for? Of course he had to drop him and/or call a cab for him. He doesn’t take money from men as fare since in his world he feels like he’s being paid for a fuck he mutually consented to. He needed his convenience and public vehicles are so stuffy and dirty by his standards.                                                   

Yes, there are some bourgeois and affluent boys among us who have always been mistaken for gay diggers but in the real sense, they aren’t: The High Maintenance Boys hereinafter referred to as HMBs. They take pleasure in the finer things of life, you know expensive hobbies, sophisticated technology, leisure travels abroad, Ralph Lauren boxers etc. Making reference to the Urban Dictionary: A high maintenance is a person who has expensive taste (Re. clothing, restaurants, etc.); having expensive taste and multiple costly needs frequently.

They roll by the motto: I am not a gay digger, but I definitely don’t date broke niggers! (I’m black so technically you can’t sue me over the use of the N word here)

Maintaining standards

An authentic high maintenance boy (HMB) isn’t a gay digger. Many have been mistaken for dating men exclusively because of their wealth. An evolved HMB just wants his man to provide for the lifestyle he’s always had but in case you realize that without the man you are needy or alert then maybe you should join the gay digger team we talked about last time. The High maintenance code states thou shall not make demands of things from someone when you cannot provide them for yourself! C’mon let’s be honest here: If you’ve always had the cheddar and occasionally splashed your fine self with good stuff, there’s nothing wrong in a man spending his change on you when you are dating.  It’s called maintaining standards you’ve always had. To be fair, the HMB just like a gay digger needs money to be happy. A HMB is often confused with a drama queen, bitch, hoe etc. but the difference between him and the rest is that he not only thinks highly of himself and will never issue an apology unless he wants something from you but also also has a record for at least maintaining a relationship however fake it may appear to the rest of us. Briefly put, he’s the smart guy who gets to hang out with an ATM…with a penis!

Don’t run behind guys

Forget about these guys some of you hang out with who say ‘I shall not call you up 5 times a day and there’s no way in hell I’m buying you that engraved Rado watch at Mpaka Road. Go down on me and make me cum bitch!’  The HMB is not the one to run behind guys or be led on but waits for you at the exchange bar at The Stanley or to be realistic enough, Blancos just off Argwings Kodhek Road. In most cases you’ll stand him up if you are from the wrong side of the tracks or you are the type that starts calling him while outside thinking he was standing in the street all for you. This helps him sieve out any kawaida (ordinary) guy. He’ll sure be impressed if you ask him to select where he likes to hang out and you don’t bat an eyelid when he tells you he prefers the serene Ozone lounge at Valley Arcade or Fogo Gaucho (sic) just because he’s heard some VIP’s go there NOT because of the great food and service. You all know that fine ass who literally sucks air out of a room they walk into because they have the looks and are extremely well clad; his man thinks his favorite spots are fine dining places; personally he thinks he’s the next best gift to men after Adam and no one can challenge him. If he likes something, he won’t be refused and that’s why unlike the gay digger who is busy flipping a borrowed book, he’ll be at Skylux chatting on his iPhone or giggling on his galaxy tab that he either got as a gift from a previous man or just got it from his extra savings as he sips some gin and tonic with some lemon slices. Remember the HMB is all after a good time…at your expense!

I will not cook for you…

Remember the proverb that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach? Well, since it’s already a matter of record that this theory bit the dust when blowjobs were invented. I won’t labor the point but there’s no way a HMB is going to walk into a kitchen to cook the way some submissive pretty boys do or even wash a man’s clothes the way some of you do on weekends.

That’s just too much pressure and besides, who wants to spoil the texture of their hands or the manicure they recently got at Kenya Cinema when we can order for Pizza at Chicagos or take a drive to The Loft at Yaya or the Artcaffe at Village Market to go have some crabs and pasta with some smoothie? I mean what time does one enjoy being a boyfriend when you are busy playing wife to a guy? He mutters to himself. The HMB would rather get wasted at Casa Blanca or Gypsies on Friday, his man has got to figure out how they’ll get home safely, have lots of sin if the energy is there, and gladly take him to exotic places before ensuring he has dropped him home on Sunday evening. The mama nguo (lady who cleans his man’s clothes) also gets paid extra cash to go clean his house and do laundry if they aren’t living together. In essence his man deep down is convinced he’s dating the male version of a Kim Kardashian.

Better Men

HMB’s always get better men to be honest, almost all the time and a better life unless they are with the wrong man. Well, some boys just require more upkeep than others as a lifestyle. There are men in this city who get nervous anytime baby says he wants to go shopping. I have seen guys whine about dating a high maintenance boy but deep down every guy wants to be with one desperately. Besides, he isn’t for everyone, right? The rest of us label him a social climber but we secretly respect him and are awed by him. Not all boys can hack being high maintenance and not all men can be with him.  I know a number of fags in this city who have no idea where Westgate is located or even what pizza tastes like while their counterparts patronize high end watering holes or getting some massages and waxing facials in a SPA along Marcus Garvey Road!

The great test in being High maintenance is ‘Can you still support yourself after he’s gone?’ But then you're a High Maintenance Boy, no man is irreplaceable. You won’t be alone for long. However note that you are still not the revered honorary Miss Independent everyone craves to be because you still need a man to validate your existence. If you are a man who realizes that you’ll be forced to go into debt just to maintain a facade that isn’t affordable to you then keep off this brand of boys besides an average HMB thinks he’s way better than his guy and doesn’t want embarrassment. I hate to be blunt but it makes you an insult to his gorgeous presence when he's got an image to guard!

‘Professional students’… aargh!

Then there is that bunch of some almost or over 30 year old men who you meet online or otherwise and when you ask them what they do for a living they say they are students! Advice to my little dudes and dudettes: Run like Hell, Dependency syndrome ahead! It’s troubling to see a fine 23-year old paying a bill for some alleged ‘student’ who’s 6 or 7 years his senior with his pocket money. Okay, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing because some kids definitely have more cheddar as pocket money that can pay your salary assuming you were in the Jua Kali sector and some are plainly horny and don’t mind anything that has a d!ck that comes their way. Confession: I have paid for some 50 year old man's tea in the past. Not that I'm complaining but honestly guys, Initiative is at times welcome, Hello! He said he was in the seminary or something to that effect. I'm sure I'll be blessed by Jesus, right? You should have seen how elated I was when I stepped out of that restaurant courtesy of those Safaricom notification texts and my loud extended ringtone hurriedly thanking him for the date! I know primary education is free and tertiary education seems to get cheaper by the day with all these mushrooming universities in Kenya but seriously be something in addition to that Second Degree, Masters or PhD! That's a student we can deal with. 

Princess Diana held, ‘People think that at the end of the day a man is the only answer to fulfillment. Actually a job is better for me.’  Maybe this is what some men call redistribution of wealth but then who said I’m poor? We may have all these different outfits in the zega scene to meet an end but at the end of the day you need to ask yourself. What are really your true priorities in this life? Profoundly, it goes down to your values and belief system. I looked at the pretty boys’ code while finalizing this article and it just said that men you are neither related nor hitched to should NOT pay your rent.

The gay digger missed a lot of things when growing up so this is his time to compensate and being fucked by some Karen dwelling guy in addition to other goodies is not a big deal.  The gay digger just needs to get his ass together. Start that business, get the damn papers and/or enroll for a job. This is Africa and there are expectations. One can’t be a parasite! The High Maintenance Boy probably got used to getting anything he wanted while growing up. That’s why there's that guy you know who has a good job or even an affluent family background but still wants to be showered with a constant stream of gifts and attention from some rich men. Honey, while you are enjoying the man at his expense, make sure you can equally afford a fabulous lifestyle even if he was to disappear into thin air. ‘Professional students’ are a bunch of crazies who have outlived their breastfeeding. I’ll just ask them one thing I saw somewhere a while back. Since when has being cheap counted as empowerment? Hey, we are all for getting in touch with our ‘inner goddesses’. Even pole dancers are on their way to a ‘new them’ but you can’t get lobster thermidor out of a can of tuna, Get a Life!

To the best of my recollection, the last time I met Daniel was in his office.(Okay fine, since Briancito won't leave me at peace: It's David who killed some giant in the Bible not the former) He introduced me to his members of staff and I felt humbled. There is also that time he paid a courtesy call to my place during the day and some young men in the hood were carefully checking him out. Indeed, boys dream what men do.  The good thing is that this time I had a profile and still doing something about it. Some of us are not gay diggers, but definitely don’t date broke niggers. In the same breath some of us don’t date hustlers but that doesn’t necessarily rule out the fact that we won’t sleep with them.

Neatly put, some people just don’t suck d!ck for success, deal with it!

Cole Mutahi.