Namaste bi*ches!

Namaste bi*ches! (Published in Identity Magazine's February Issue)

By Cole Mutahi

I adore sex (we all do) and we’re not just talking about the usual discounted brief sex in a sports car or some nasty bit of Nairobi you’ve never been before most of you engage in. It’s the whole thing: foreplay, touch, rimming and riding until we are all about to get insane then after that we go our separate ways. There is no point in sleeping in his bed until morning. It violates the pretty boys’ code which states that you never sleep with the men you sleep with (sic). Osteen’s phone rings and I take a mental note of ‘Bad Things’ by Jace Everett as his ring tone which confirms his mark of sexual emancipation and maturity. He’s not an addict though since there are those periods he takes the re-virginizing debate to a whole new level through a self imposed hiatus (man cleanse).He’s not a slut because he deciphered a while back that once a gay pretty boy passes a certain point in intelligence, it is almost impossible to get a man who’ll always be available besides it’s a society where all our active men want to push their meat through anything that has a hole in it. I pause here and wonder why most guys are obsessed with the hole; do you think it’s dick envy?

He’s also neither affluent nor exactly an old bitch. He’s 24, pays his own rent and utility bills; buys wine every Tuesday evening at DOD’s AFCO courtesy of one of the men in uniform in his ‘silly’ life and always boasts he’s toiled his fine ass hard to be where he is. He emphatically says that once you are at this level, gay and you are on the receiving end of a cock, you don’t necessarily have to be nice. In his world, a shag is a journey just meant to empower him sexually not as a means to justify an end. He sees no relationship prospects and says, ‘If I ever get to boyfriend number two, he better have a busy life full of his own hobbies, goals and interests because I will not be someone’s reason to exhale. I have better things to do than entertain a full grown man when I’m not getting paid for it.’ Welcome to the world of the first class bitch!

When a pretty boy leaves his house on a Friday evening with the sole purpose of inter alia getting laid, trust me they will get laid! 

There is a raison d'être why those men carry bags across the city. I also have a small back pack which I carry anytime I’m not sure I’ll come back to my dungeon. A bottle of flavoured lube and a pack of condoms must always be contained in the same among other paraphernalia even if I’ll not really use them! And while I’m still breathing the same air, guys had better put that condom on - if we're all going to act like a dick we do need to dress like one. I’ve never fucked anyone that was so good it was worth dying for.

Even women not so long ago had been trained to speak softly and carry lip stick. Those days are spent. Look at it this way, If I had a clit I’d be applauded and called a real woman but then I’m male (a gay one for that matter) - so the world calls me a fag.

I have met a handful of men who have plainly dismissed me as naïve due to my choosy sex schedules, ignorance of sexual advances and safe sex advocacy. See, in my world if you are not the one doing the bleeding, vomiting, or on fire, chill out and stop the tantrums! Just because I don’t want to fuck anyone anymore doesn’t make me heterosexual (God Forbid). And of course pretty boys have more opportunities than just mere boys to get laid. I mean, have you looked at the guys complaining that they can't get any? They have bad haircuts, don’t bathe, no concept of how to dress, tuck shirts into pants so that we can see their beer guts hanging out over their belts and Oh! They also try the lamest lines on pretty boys who have just stepped off the future swag pages of this noble magazine (Denis Nzioka I hope you implement this). I mean no insolence but if you think I’m being a bitch yet all we are talking about here is sex, and I mean raw sexual attraction, let's face it; the bulk of the gay male race is damned ugly. You want to get laid? Try looking half as good as the pretty boy u r drooling over.

On relationships: These are like sushi; they are just not for everyone. Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another in case it doesn’t rain so the adage goes. I’ve quoted in another forum that people are wrong: The size of a man's penis is unimportant. What matters is how big his balls are. It’s not a crime to use size as a tenet to select our partners but then sometimes a big dick is just that! I recently ended a relationship (got into it for experience), almost beat myself at it but then realized that I’m not one of those pretty boys who pity party that they have been used and dumped after some romps that they equally enjoyed. No winners in such contexts, we both had fun.

I’m single (the unavailable type) and one of the conventions in the pretty boys’ code states: Thou shall not chase men at the expense of building your life. Men can waste you but you can’t waste a man. Most hot gay guys around are single, stable (even emotionally), don’t give a bat’s shit on anyone’s actions  and are probably getting laid at their own terms! They’d rather be labeled sluts than be lied to, cheated on and disrespected. That is the ultimate bitch I saw in Osteen.

Get into a relationship with a heart? That also violates the code of being gay. Leave that to the straight folks. In the queer milieu you get into it with your head and that needs skill and time besides if you are single, there are lots of other single guys in the world that have yet to spontaneously combust due to lack of the presence of a penis or ass and if you drink to this: Namaste (I bow to you) bitches!