A gift called closure This X-Mas

A gift called closure This X-Mas (Published in the December issue of Identity Magazine)

By

Cole_Mutahi.     

I have a high affinity to men in uniform and weapons (don’t get any ideas) but I don’t date them. No big reason just the ‘uncertainties’ of their profession, its workings and their ever present three tenets summed up as 3W’s: Wine (they swallow lots of liquor); War (Most bar brawls are always caused by these fine men) and Women also read as we-men if you are on my side of the hedge(They have multiple ‘liaison’ partners). I’m also a dedicated enthusiast of those who abhor sports cars not because I know anything about them but just for the conventional reason they are not comfy when making out in them!

Imagine my thrill when I was invited for this dinner event last Saturday evening! I think it was something to the effect that it was meant to empower youths and also support children’s home. The organizers of this thing were definitely refined in view of the venue and also the status of the guests I ran into at the function. I pause here and wonder. It’s either I date the wrong men, I’m still a lost cause when it comes to classy places or to the extreme I am cheap, Ouch! – Thanks guys, you are definitely princes among the men folk!Enough with the diva moment! At some point during the occasion my mind wandered a bit and I started thinking about the men in my inane life! There’s the one I almost made out with in his (sports) car outside The Mall in Westlands on a first date; then there’s the one who literally showed up on my doorstep on a Tuesday morning to floss his new ride (sports). I recollect him telling me on my way to work that he intended to give it to his bf since he wanted something more exhilarating (Men are just so obvious!); there’s also the one from the April 2011 weekend I first met at the Ngong Race Course. He categorically told me he had issues with premature ejaculation when it came to women. Of course premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning, I think my first and last friendship with benefits ended because the main event was invariably over before he got his socks off; then David* this half-caste guy I’ve always had a crush on (still do) because he plays golf proficiently and promised me pro bono lessons! I remember I literally showed up for the first time at a Mosque in my over 20 years just to meet him -Gay men! God Bless them!; I can’t forget about this very wedded middle aged corporate executive who once dropped me home at very ‘ungodly’ hours of a Sunday morning and then how do u expect me to leave Soldier boy, he is a well bred, awesomely built serviceman with an unsullied English accent that proves he never went to a school named after any human being and works with our disciplined forces. Despite his raunchy personality (which I find appealing).He always calls me beautiful and as much as he hasn’t been the relationship type, he’s really a piece of work. I mean, how do you think I learnt how to play the roulette in a casino or better still discern the sinful existence of most high end Nairobi watering holes! Once, late at night, when he was a bit tipsy, he confided to me that life rushed at him out of a fog, constantly taking him by surprise. That explained to me the multiple sex partners but he assured me that I wasn’t in his catalogue of the pretty boys he deflowers. Oh and when he gets to town for a weekend! I have always shoved all my prior engagements aside ready to hear the ‘men in uniform and artillery’ stories, receive gifts in kind that are usually advanced to me when he’s from mission and also get introduced to his latest conquests. He’s actually the authority behind: Save a boyfriend for a rainy day. And another, in case it doesn't rain....friends, the list is interminable!

You see in this life we meet, greet, street and forget our encounters as soon as we created them! Welcome to what I technically refer to as ‘man-meets’! (It will be a precedent to see a real date in the G world). Once a pretty boy passes a certain point in intelligence, sex is for ‘your’ own fulfilment; you never discuss your cash, professional or educational milieu with a gay man you just met; relationships, boyfriends and other vain stuff like love are for the feeble or faint hearted; Your cell phone is simply for giving directions and taking instructions, then there’s the aspect of coming back home from your clandestine activities at 10 in the morning but let’s save this story for another day.

While dinner was almost being served I saw some few familiar faces I knew so I embarked on going to say hello. In the course I met Tom* (remember the premature ejaculation man from the April 2011 Racecourse weekend?) White shirt, coffee leather jacket, brown cords and high-ankle suede shoes oozing a fine scent of a man who distinctly portrays class and is perfectly modern at it! I keep a mental inventory of all my men even the one night stand ones! ‘Cole, Wow! You’re also here? You just stopped talking!’ said a noticeably impressed Tom* ‘Yeah, it’s been ages, I think 3 months? ‘I responded ‘Yeah thereabout, please’, He responded motioning me to some empty seat adjacent to his fine self! After I explained I was with some friends he requested to join us because he was unaccompanied and was only using this as a guise (before he proceeded to a watering hole) to his colleague who had also got him a ticket and was also all over the place as one of the organizers. My friends were very receptive because of his charm and mannerisms that symbolized good breeding.

Holy Inappropriateness!                                                                                                                    Dinner was soon served and good conversations were evenly exchanged ranging from career advancements inter alia the festive season.  During dessert he opened my ice cream cup! Things were really sweet until at some point during the speeches he asked whether we could go gather the fresh air outside and talk about something (Read this as trouble looming!) ‘Cole, been waiting to hear from you for a while now. I have always had a thing for you but you underestimate me...You have definitely pushed me aside in your pursuits and haven’t appreciated my feelings. Despite the breakdown in communication I thought I needed to give you time to reason things out...Please react your continued silence is annoying!’

See, at this point I wasn’t so sure whether it was the bottle of St. Dublin Gates 1759(Guinness) that he had taken earlier during the soccer match before the event talking or just him. I simply remained tight-lipped. ‘Let’s just clear our conflicting positions in this friendship today if you don’t mind...I don’t think we should hang on nothing.’ He conclusively remarked. Now wait a minute! What the hell was all these about? When did he tell me about these ‘alleged’ feelings and what clarity was this man talking about? ‘Tom* I don’t know what to say...you actually took me by surprise. We’ve been friends and I simply see it as such. Personally I’m not ready for anything serious with anyone...I’m quite complacent with us being friends as we’ve always been...’ I muttered sheepishly. ‘No, Cole I don’t buy those lines, if you really feel nothing and won’t find in your heart for us to have something then let’s just end everything’ garbled a distressed Tom* ‘Okay with me...’ I hesitantly replied. I’ve mastered the art of succinctness when talking to a man who’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown. It enables you be in charge. Did Tom* just ask me for a permanent closure? I mean, how does one just do that? Anyway, his loss! I won’t lose sleep over it besides my olive branch of friendship was unwarranted. Just becoming his friend now seemed like embarking on a treacherous affair! Closure it was!

Cutting to the Chase

The concept of closure especially in our lives as a sexual minority is alien, uncalled-for and totally unthinkable! In our man-meets, the life cycle is obvious: Facebook/Planet Romeo, Phone numbers, Meet and Greet over drinks (or coffee for the ones who want to feign erudition), a quick fling may be in the offing and then we move on to the next guy as fast as we got the previous. The ‘weak’ will wonder why he hasn’t called and its Wednesday; why he selectively responds to our texts or doesn’t at all, why he’s now busy and can’t even chat with us online! The cycle continues until you notice you have a whole backlog of men that you have barely touched base with. At this point they are an unresolved baggage. Next time you meet them you make up numerous excuses! May this record bear me right that one night sex romps that have been agreed prior before the man-meet remain at that, they don’t qualify for closures .Let’s cut to the chase, everyone needs closure! Why should anyone put their life on hold for someone who is definitely not forthcoming! Okay, you did that movie, had that pizza laughed a lot on the things you had in common but that may not really mean much. If there’s a future (which rarely is in the gay circles after the first man-meet) admit it then. If nothing is shared in common admit that you are keeping your options open.  

  

Lessons Learnt                                                                                                                                

Back to the men I highlighted to you earlier, I just love the relief I normally get when I’ve told a guy that things can’t work. I sent a text in reply to the guy who wanted us to make out in that parking. He had said I needed some more growing up to do. My response to him: "Man, the brain is connected to the spine. Try to get them working in tandem for a change." I think no one should ever underestimate the predictability of stupidity. Recall the man who was kind enough to give me a ride to work? I met him one evening on my way home and I was like ‘I thought you wanted something more exhilarating!’ Guess what? Excuses! From him I learnt that Principles only mean something if you stick by them when they are inconvenient. I’m glad we are still casual friends since I’ve made it clear in the past I don’t want any pursuits at the moment. The corporate executive just went silent but I ran into him at the usual watering hole in the company of someone, said hi then motioned myself over to the lounge area where I was in for a soccer evening with one of my male friends. Guys, at times it just doesn’t work out so "I guess he saw it like this: "Since we'll basically be sleeping together at my convenience, and not actually, 'partners', I'll leave him there alone with his migraine and go to my wife without him." So much for compassion, or delaying gratification! The million dollar question is why continue living as someone hidden secret when you can be making another person’s major headlines! But at least I got the business card and know his relations! The pro golfer’s offer still stands just that there are a lot of revelations from his quarters of late. You know I’ve tried this subtle guidance thing, more than once, and it just didn't work. If a man isn't strong enough to be candid with me, I'm not going to make an effort to coddle his ego.  Soldier boy is on this Al Shabaab mission (I love the sound of this) but he’s sent at least 4 texts since the combat started from those Somalia numbers that never give me a delivery report. I find guys who show initiative even in hardship irresistible! However I have mentioned to him that in 2012 I am getting a boyfriend who will be there when it rains and even when it doesn’t. He says we need to have a crisis meeting once he comes back! Men are not supposed to be this nice. Either way expectations are bound to crop up. I don’t think I would recommend him to anyone though. I know him too well. He can be rude, controlling, abusive, misogynistic, disparaging and dismissive. In all seriousness though, what a hideous lust object to mythologize. At times I feel it’ll be teaching all sorts of young men that it's romantic to accept any sort of appalling treatment from someone who treats you like dirt.                                                              

 It’s Sunday, I’m just coming from lunch. Tom* left two messages late last night-one sober, one drunk. I’ve promised myself I’ll call him back. I haven’t got round to it. I’ve realized I respect him more because he has taught me something valuable though I am not likely to meet him for a while. I mean, what are permanent closures for? I think men come into our lives to sharpen us and the best thing one needs to do is learn something from each of them. Lyrics to some soft rock playing, wine in ice and the room murky, the Christmas spirit slowly beckoning...Closures have been made and more are yet to come. I’m ready for an uncertain 2012 where man-meets will be more or less a learning arena! Cheers, let’s drink to that and for whatever it’s worth Merry Christmas!

*Names have been altered for discretion purposes.