A Bottoms' Round Table...

The following discourse is risqué in nature. Reader discretion is advised. 

Previously on C.D.R

…Whilst the top juggles pumping, ensuring the man hole is well oiled, wanking jerking off the bottoms man piece, kissing et al, the bottom only twists around to ensure the top is hammering his prostrate right and square!

The sex was ugly, cantankerous, mechanically routine, succinctly put: Sub-standard…

I am a certified bottom. Never attempted to get in anywhere and the last time someone made me try that shit, my erection was killed…

I’m all about being a respectable pretty boy in the streets, a chef in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom but I’ll admit I am no power bottom…

A Bottom has got to learn how to open his mouth for more than just giving head…

…we are all whores, the only difference lies in our availability and where we go for it

…Kumbe role si muscle!

*******

Cole: It’s your boy Cole on the discourse room dot (B-L-O) G – Spot and joining us this afternoon are two delightful gentlemen.…

Spencer: Speaking of G – spot Cole, where’s yours? I just adore that tongue in my ear before foreplay. (Rolls his eyes)

Mungai: (Raising his hand) I hate that tongue in my ear shit tops like doing including sticking their fingers in my ear et al. Are you trying to improve my hearing senses or what? It’s just plain ticklish! (Flicks imaginary weave)

Cole: I Know Right! The first time someone did that to me was during a random fling. I was just praying silently that this stranger inside me doesn’t pull a Mike Tyson on me!

Spencer: I think everywhere is my G – Spot. As you plunge a kiss on my lips, finger me for ten minutes then allow me to ride on it with Beyonce’s Naughty Girl in the background. You know the Boy you are a challenge, let’s explore your talent sort of way?

Cole: Seriously Spence? I haven’t even done the Behind the Scenes segment plus I’m the one who gets to run the show here. (Spence salutes)

Behind The Scenes

1. You guys remember the balcony of men’s (and women’s) hopes? Well, I think I need to do a spin off based on my recent experience at the famous Lesbian corner. I swear some of those sisters can literally harass you! I also ran into three men I have a past with. One was a guy (remember that guy I had an afternoon lunch date with at the National Museum?) I had at least two sexual romps with two years ago (he still owes me a weekend road trip), the next was just one of those random meetings from online-ville that backfired as soon as I walked into the dingy place he’d suggested. Dude asked me for a loan 3 days after the excruciating first date to sort out an urgent ‘problem’. Red Cross much? The third I just went down on him on a rainy evening but we never went all the way since he cummed so fast. A one minute man. Don’t you just hate those? I digress. They were all interesting encounters despite the awkward feeling that lingered in the back of my mind. Maybe one of these men is the ever elusive husband I keep searching for. It’s also vice versa, I mean they still go to Envy hoping…

2.  NFL star and player Michael Sam was drafted last week making him one of the yummiest esteemed and gay pro athletes of our time! Now that was all good. Just like Arsenal and the FA trophy Cup, I even have no idea what all that stuff entails. However, let’s be candid, I won’t just pretend that I never caught feelings after seeing that kiss he gave his boyfriend (name escapes me). All that built, weight and smile…that white boy gets to wake up to all of that? Why are some people just lucky? Whoa, Can you imagine just the sheer experience of being banged by a…

Mungai: Cole, did you just assign roles to the adorable couple?

Cole: No I didn’t…

Spencer: And what’s wrong with assigning roles, you expect all that hotness in Sam to be banged by some pretty white boy?

Mungai: You can never be too sure Spencer. I have met very nicely chiseled guys who love being dicked.  Remember that guy from the Fap depot? Cole, you ought to withdraw the implied role assigning…

3. Now during the weekend I bowed down to pressure from one of my bitches and started watching this series Game of Thrones. Anal sex much??? I don’t know maybe it was a birth control measure by then…Now imagine Khal Rogo inside you, woop!

Spencer:  Cole, this one I have to interrupt. He’s actually a very romantic guy (Imitates a deep voice), ‘Moon of my life, are you hurt?’

Cole: (Interrupts) I’m still on Episode 3, I will smack you if you spoil it for me unless you mean the first time he has a frontal romp with this blonde girl and knocks her up. So let me ask you, a gift from the great stallion means sperm right?

Spencer: (Bursts into laughter) OMG. I choose not to contribute lest you smack me. The blonde girl is called Khaleesi. 

Mungai: Cole, I think gift means meant the baby.  Oh-oh, wait, what made you conclude Khal Rogo is the great stallion?

Spencer: Mungai, please continue this is getting so juicy…I think he assumed that Khal Rogo must be having a large ding dong. Remember he asked anal sex much?

Cole: (Feigning nonchalance) So Spence, why did you come sucking on a lollipop on C.D.R?

Spencer: Cole, really? I’ve been doing this for ages, makes me more relaxed. I have an extra one, interested? 

Cole: No Thanks. (Mungai reaches out for the sweet) Don’t worry; your blow job expertise is not in doubt. Since you guys have ruined my Behind the Scenes moment, we may as well commence. Top or Bottom?

Spencer: Honey, I was born to be Bottom. Cole, my name for purposes of this article is Spencer, Bottomy (PhD).

Mungai: I am Versatile, but more bottom?

Spencer: (Rolls eyes) what is that even supposed to mean? I just don’t get this versatile shit. Make up your damn minds.

Cole: I think he just quoted one of those Planet Romeo statuses on us.

Mungai: Okay, fine. I am a bottom with the hope of exploring Top hood in the unforeseeable future.

(Brief Silence)

Cole: Ooo…kay.  

Spencer: Cole, since you said this is a roundtable discourse, I have always wanted to hear that experience with the guy who made you guys pray after sex.

Cole: (Sighs) You know the way bottoms say that when they go down on their knees, it’s not actually to pray? It actually happened. The guy truly had game and I envy whoever he’s banging now. The weird thing I still remember him asking me for was Dettol, the disinfectant to clean his tool just before he left my place. I mean, it’s not like we had it raw or I messed the sheets…

Mungai: (Spencer unsuccessfully suppresses laughter) Okay, that was weird! You remind me of this guy, he is actually some pastor in one of those Satellite Churches in an Estate in Kiambu County. I met him on a random evening. (Spencer and Cole look intently) What? I’d been sexually starved for two months and distance wasn’t going to stop me from being dicked. I got to his place at around 7 p.m. As he made us (Imitates Avril’s I’m Missing You) Ugali, Nyama (beef) and Sukuma (Kales), we exchanged a few Bible verses we thought were profound and sang Gospel songs. Any song he started, I finished it to his satisfaction. After dinner, he asked me to join him in his bedroom…We sang some more songs before the touching started. (Sips some martini)

Spencer: Man, this was such a…Spiritual affair matter. Please do tell more…

Mungai: The man of cloth had a good tool of trade, not too big, not too medium, just the right size. So I went down on my knees to give it a…

Cole: Blessing… 

(Mungai High fives Cole)

Mungai: I swear the moment I had a grip of his junk. He started panting real hard. He swore to me he had never been given a blowjob. At some point he kept making all these pleasure noises which kept me wondering whether he cared about the neighbors’ beyond the next wall. To cut the story short, the only weird thing with that guy is that anytime I sucked his d!ck, he had this maroon towel he kept wiping his rod with before I gave it another plunge. I did this until he was…

Cole: Wait a minute, you mean all that saliva was going to waste? I mean, he kept on wiping with every suck…

Spencer: …I would feel my efforts were being wasted. A Top, amateur or not should know that a blow job is a privilege, not a right! Bitch, that was very weird. Personally, what I particularly abhor is him telling me to direct it in yet my legs are suspended God knows where. I mean you are the one down there, figure your way in! 

(Cole and Mungai are in stitches)

Mungai: It may also mean you are having sex in the dark you know, I feel you though! 

(Spencer is silent while Mungai’s face still beaming)

Cole: I’m on your side Spence, I’m still also trying to figure out how to have sex with the lights on and I do agree, a top who knows the terms of reference that come with that role shouldn’t ask you to direct it in. (Laughs) But on a positive note, if he can’t locate the hole, then you ain’t a hoe!

Spencer: Preach sister! Can I get a high five!

Mungai: (Signals a finger) Let me write that down.

Cole: The other day I met this client, awesome guy, a familiar face from a chapter in my past actually. Then the following day he introduces me to this tall twink who works for him with all the intention of making me jealous…

Mungai: How comes you guys ain’t an item? Did you shag somewhere in that history?

Cole: Bitch relax, I’m getting there. But since you’ve asked, I swear the foreplay and/or romance, someone cancel my France ticket already! (Sighs)

Spencer: (Slightly bangs the table) Bitch, we are still waiting, any dick action with the client?

Cole: To be honest, it was tiny. If I’m to be generous enough, the size of my forefinger when erect? 

(Mungai and Spence’s jaws are open)

Mungai: Cole, you really love them big enough for deep throat?

Cole: Er…I’m not saying that I love my fellatio deep, to an extent of almost choking, it’s just that it can be really disappointing when it just reaches somewhere slightly past the middle of your tongue…

Spencer: (Wiping his right eye) I feel you sister. I got 99 problems and a small d!ck ain’t one of them…

Mungai: By the way, I also have a similar history. He was well toned, tall, great face but when he was behind me, we were doing it while standing; it just felt like something was scratching me. It was definitely not a gift from the great stallion! (Spencer and Cole are in full laughter) However, I still don’t get bottoms’ obsession with big dicks yet they are the same people who complain about pain the following day.

Spencer: Indeed. I think one should go for what he can handle. You don’t want someone messing up your insides ruining a future with all these fine prospective men. So guys, what are your thoughts on rim jobs? 

Mungai: It’s a top’s gift to his bottom, period!

Cole: I know I may get stoned for this. I just don’t like being rimmed or fingered.

Spencer: Mungai, you kind of summarize it very well for me. I love getting a good rim. All that douching enema business has to be rewarded you know. Cole, you ain’t alone, some bottoms just don’t like the rim business and a good top ought to ask. Word of advice though, next time he’s down there, just ask him to give you a tongue job on the small island at the apex of your thighs. You will die!

Mungai: Spence, you do realize I am also taking notes, what island?

Spencer: The small area between the end of your balls and the beginning of the river that separates your right and left booty silly…

Cole: Chile, the things you are teaching me today, you are such a whore!

Spencer: Aren’t we all? You are already an authority on that.

Cole: (Lifts his hands in surrender). I will experiment and let you know how it felt. Now let’s go to fantasy sex. I would want mine over my future man’s office desk at lunchtime, in his office of course. A little bird whispered to me that it makes you highly productive in the afternoon and you won’t even feel hungry.

Spencer: So let me just get that right, so you will call that some ‘dick lunch’ or something? 

(Mungai drops the lollipop)

Cole: Yes, if you say so. Clearly you have that Bottomy, PhD

Spencer: I still envisage having it on a plane’s washroom over 40,000 ft. The only problem with Airline washrooms is the size but I don’t think it will shake the plane like Mungai’s Prado situation, no?

Mungai: Don’t ask me, I have no prior experience on that. I would still want to have sex on the beach…

Cole: There is this nude beach in Cape Town you know…

Mungai: Not exactly, it’s not like I’m asking for a shag in a public beach in the mother city. The idea is that it should be somewhere cozy, sandy and next to an ocean.

Spencer: What if the sand goes into your boy hole? He may have to apply some lube and his d!ck may be in contact with sand you know…

Mungai: Don’t ruin my party, what’s the work of these Maasai blankets Cole loves buying for his foreign friends! 

(Spencer raises his hands in surrender)

Cole: Speaking of beach sex, what are some of the places you’d love to visit as a gay man at some point in your life guys?

Spencer: San Francisco baby!

Mungai: It has to be Cape Town.  Cole, if you were asked to be a slave for the night and you turned it down and slept all alone in your hotel room, I don’t swing that way to opportunity.

Cole: (Pointing at Mungai) Spence, this hoe clearly ain’t loyal. Fair enough. My dream destination has to be Morocco. The only reason is that it has the highest number of zegas in Africa on Planet Romeo. I can only imagine the nightlife. Who knows, maybe there is where I may bag an Arab prince who has a booming oil business!

Spencer: So Cole, you’re into interracial?

Cole: Well, let me just say, Just like my Rooibos tea, I don’t mind having it with milk occasionally.

Mungai: He should tell you about his Chinese date…

Cole: Really Mungai? 

Spencer: Well?

Cole: He was a great date. Hanging out having Chinese food during the period he was here, helping him shop for gifts for his colleagues and family back in Hong Kong etc.  But just the thought of him asking me to go to his hotel room at some nocturnal hour always bothered me. I swear the excitement when he finally left, so much for Kenya – China relations, no?

Mungai: Just like my coffee I prefer my men black but I don’t have a problem with Caucasian men. They can be pretty romantic too. I mean, they are the only ones who can spoon you the whole night and in the morning you still wake up inside their warm grip. For our black men, the only thing that will keep waking you up is something hard poking your ass only to realize he wants another round!

Spencer: (Still smiling) OMG it’s actually true. I actually can’t trust any gay man spooning me naked, I always have to put my boxers or shorts on after the deed. Of course it never yields much because at some point I still find it sagged halfway exposing three quarters of my butt. 

Cole: Speaking of rounds, on average how many should one handle?

Mungai: I guess it depends on whether one is a power bottom. In a single night, I guess four rounds are sufficient.

Spencer: That’s less and will make a man wander. If you have an available man to service you, one in the morning as you shower, another in the afternoon – preferably lunch hour – another just before dinner, another three or four hours after dinner, another when he ‘disturbs’ you in the middle of the night and of course morning glory. How many were those?

Cole: Six rounds in a day?  I may not be a power bottom but I ain’t a cum bucket either…that’s just so much work, plus I am the one who gets to sit on a basin full of warm water  in the morning to cool that sore ass!

Mungai: Okay six is definitely a lot but I like the way you program your timing too with the food. A Bottom must never have vigorous sex just shortly after he has had a meal lest you mess up his or your sheets. How long should he take before he cums?

Spencer: At least 7 - 10 minutes in each position you experiment?

Cole: (Shaking his head) I can’t… I personally prefer sex before a meal so that my tummy is clear and prepared for the ordeal. Plus I get to eat better thereafter since I’ll be all hungry and thirsty. Mungai, earlier Spence talked about a Prado incident, care to share?

Mungai: Damn, and here I was thinking you wouldn’t ask. I met him at a popular watering hole within the CBD. It was relatively early in the evening. He was all alone and winked at me before joining me on my table. Thereafter we drove towards Lang’ata. It was around 7p.m and quite dark, then he just pulled over around the cemetery area, switched off the engine and moved to the back of the car. That was my best sex in the car experience…

(Cole and Spencer looking stunned)

Cole: Wait wait wait…you’ve had sex at Lang’ata cemetery Mungai???

Mungai: It was inside a car, there’s a difference…

Spencer: Bitch, that’s my route home and that area ain’t safe. Plus it is always very dark…

Mungai: That’s the point; no one could see the car…well, unless maybe the cars heading to Karen and the Republic of Rongai through the reflection of their headlights?

Spencer: My point exactly…even in my 27 and a half years of being gay, I have never had sex in a cemetery! Cole you’re strangely quiet. (Cole crosses himself)

What if you were killed or something? 

Mungai: We had a second date, it means I did something right…

Cole: Huh? It continues...

Mungai: Yes, the next time was around 8p.m around the Kencom parking lot. It was raining buffaloes and elephants. After the romp, we waited for the rain to stop, that’s when I got to learn he is married with three kids. Been a while since I heard from him...

Spencer: Thank God. I swear if a man took me to a cemetery, I would never see or hear of him again; what if ghosts joined and it became an orgy?

Mungai: It’s never that serious.

Cole: I’ve only had two car situations. The Indian guy who made me meet him at Oil Libya in Westlands and wanted us to kiss and smoke weed. And me leaning on Abner in Jozi as he drove home after that Factory tryst. That’s all. I have never had sex in a car; just thinking of the mechanics involved gives me a migraine.

Mungai: Aww…you are such a saint, what if Abner caused an accident love?

Spencer: Honey please, drop the sarcasm. I have skillfully administered a blow job from the city centre to Lang’ata as he drove. We were heading to Carnivore, not a cemetery like some people I know. He released the gifts from the great stallion around Wilson 

(Spencer joins Cole in laughter)

Mungai: I have also given fellatio to a guy driving a car. What we did, we went up Ngong road, took that turn around Nairobi Area Police Station, joined valley road, came all the way until he found his release around Serena Hotel. He finally dropped me at the famous Sonford and ordered for me half chicken and some fries. He then requested to leave.

Cole: The things that happen in this city… (Shakes his head)

Spencer: So Cole, did you kiss that Indian guy?

Cole: No. I don’t just kiss anyone unless we have some serious connection even if we have never met before.

Mungai: Same here

Spencer: Me three. Mungai, you earlier talked about the pastor making some noises. What is your opinion on sex sounds? My best man had heavy grunts. 

Mungai: Well, the best sounds still remain with that guy. (Imitates) ‘I’m cumming! I’m cumming! Woo! I love you!’ He kept on chanting that anytime he was near. I personally never make any sounds maybe just grinding my teeth and biting my lips as I breathe heavily?

Cole: I think if he’s pounding it right and to encourage him to finish, he needs an audience. I don’t make any noises but just get all touchy...

Spencer: …I personally moan just for him to know that during his hard work he had an audience. 

Cole:  My best noise was ‘Yes Baby!  Yes Baby! I’m Cumming! Thank You!’

Mungai: What’s with that ‘Thank You’ after sex anyway?

Spencer: I Know Right! It’s not like the favor was one way you know…

Cole: Please, don’t get me started on those who direct your hand towards their booty hoping you will finger them for them to finally cum!

(Mungai and Spencer high five) 

Cole: As we wind up guys, any advice for fellow bottoms out there other than bleeding for better reasons this year?

Spencer: My pet peeve is with those still experimenting with vegetable products in this age of pleasure toys. The other day we were at Zucchini and this friend of mine told me that he really gets turned on just by the sight of the huge fresh cucumbers.

Mungai: Shh…I have had my fair share of drama with Carrots; you know the huge ones like the ones you get at Timboroa? 

Spencer: (in tears) Just stop. My point is, some of these things are dangerous and can break inside.

Cole: Bitch, you do know sometimes the thirst gets real and dildos ain’t cheap anyway. Plus what if my cleaning lady finds it? That said, I have never tried any cucumber or carrots but courgettes have kind of given me such nasty thoughts. Thanks for your thoughts anyway. Mungai?

Mungai: For heaven’s sake, let’s shave!

Cole