C.D.R Special: Cole Mourns A Fan...

‘Seeing ma babe's bright face gives me hope...but the thought of whatever might happen gives me a brain freeze. Off to theatre in a few...See you all on the other side...’ – Don (1992 – 2013)

I think I subscribe to this whole universe has to achieve a balance thing. Then I don't understand it. Ms. Alvarez in her tumbler blog opines, ‘Life and the universe have a funny way of bringing us to the exact people, places, circumstances, and messages that our souls are calling for at the right time.’

Nothing happens by chance, and there are no coincidences. We begin to understand that there’s a reason for the way our life is unfolding even though it may not always be immediately apparent. He was little known in the scene which he was still on the path to discover. Hopefully he would have demystified it. I don’t understand why a 21 year old has to die at such a nascent age (when on the exact same day I’m adding another year to my life) when he’s got a whole life ahead of him due to a heart condition. I don’t, really. 
I woke up at the hours of the hyena this morning thinking of this friend, acquaintance, social media ‘friend’. I felt disturbed, bothered even. Is that the balance? I don’t know. I don’t understand why I have to do a special edition here in honour of another fallen T.S.R C.D.R fan. It’s sad. I may never have got to know him that well as a person but I did have a lengthy conversation with him one Saturday morning in October 2012 via facebook. I’ve undertaken to extract a verbatim of the same. Do endeavour to read it. It’s funny how when someone’s gone, everything kind of falls in place. No?

(Conversation started October 13, 2012 1:07a.m)

Don: What's up Cole? I'm a huge fan of your T.S.R (now C.D.R)

Cole: Wow, thanks to bits Don, really appreciate

Don: Have you posted this week’s article? I'm peeping through your profile.

Cole: Ha ha ha...been on some break but I'll resume the pieces next week

Don: (sigh) could my Friday get any duller!!!!

Cole: Aww poor thing but then you can rummage through T.S.R (now C.D.R); there is always something one can always stumble upon

Don: I'll take your word for it. I know, this is the part one mentions the best article he has ever read, but for me, I can't quite choose. I guess I'm in love with your writing. I hardly ever miss any.

Cole: Once again I'm honored

Don: Sorry, I missed that article where your readers were getting up close and personal with you. I'll just blurt out a silly question – if that's okay with you.

Cole: A belated question?

Don: Yeah

Cole: Go right ahead, too bad you'll wait for the next Q and A segment to be published J

Don: No. I don't need it to be published.

Cole: That was on a light touch

Don: How often do you have sex? Have you had sex with a female before?

Cole: No. My loyalty always lies with the guys. That is for the last bit you've asked. How often do I have sex? Let's see...when the need arises mostly? Frequency is a relative subject

Don: Ha ha. Everything has a frequency. From the seasons, to the moods.

Cole: Without fail.

Don: So, what is your frequency? Daily, hourly in a good day, weekly, daily in a good week, monthly, weekly in a good month?

Cole: I plead the fifth

Don: Ha ha. That is in a ten year spun. You are too young to plead for that. Come on…

Cole: Sex is a great journey and liberating too J

Don: I know. I know. Save the psychiatric hula baloo and just choose your frequency....Pllleeeaaaassseeee and that smile is bashful

Cole: No.

Don: Okay. I respect that. You got time? You busy on the net?

Cole: Juggling between movie night, an article someone wants to look at tomorrow and T.S.R but I got time.

Don: May I ask for advice?

Cole: I'm listening

Don: I'm the kind of guy who doesn't consider himself gay. I have had my moment with a guy, and the girls.

Cole: Huh...carry on

Don: I happened to make out with a guy - it wasn't good. I didn't like it, but I just can’t shut that part up.

Cole: What drove you there in the first place?

Don: Curiosity and I felt sorry for the guy.

Cole: What triggered the curiosity...any past experiences?

Don: I had a high school pal try to kiss me. I slapped him and threatened to expose him if he ever did that again

Cole: Ah...this guy you made out with...was he gay or something?

Don: Bi. He had just confessed it to me. He was my friend.

Cole: Wow, so who led the other on?

Don: We both did. I kind of triggered it…

Cole: Meaning the first guy who kissed you in school you kind of liked, no?

Don: No. I hated it. I spent every free time I had trying to wipe my lips. Still thinking of it kind of grosses me out.

Cole: You do realize you triggered a kiss with another guy?

Don: I hugged him. We never kissed. We just got into action. No kissing. No romance

Cole: OMG sex? Did you like it?

Don: No. I didn't. It was gross. I hated it.

Cole: Why did you hate it, let me guess...it felt wrong?

Don: Yes. It was wrong.

Cole: I see. It has never happened again?

Don: Problem is I couldn't get over it. I've met three guys from my FB page but we just meet up, have a drink and that’s all.

Cole: How did your friend handle it? You not liking the experience at all

Don: He apologized. Told me it happens the first time. Things have not been the same between us since then.

Cole: Definitely, sex between friends alters everything. Why do you think you are still stuck on guys after that?

Don: I don't know. I just flirt around with my facebook friends but when sexting or even a thought of sex crosses my mind, I’m grossed out. I feel sick.

Cole: Then you better stop interacting with gay men, LOL! Once you start this it will not easily reverse. It shows that deep inside you want to discover that bit of yourself that kind of draws you towards the males...But then you have your prejudices e.g. when you say 'it was wrong' it's kind of based on your personal belief system…

Don: I guess. That made me to have a tendency to make out with every chic that crosses my way.

Cole: Exactly to kill the male urge, right? Any luck in that?

Don: No. Maybe. Yes.

Cole: Now, what advice are you seeking from me?

Don: I've just realized I didn't need advice. I need clarity. Am I gay? Am I Bi? Am I anything of the two?

Cole: You are visibly on the rocks, it takes time and it's the point where you really need to figure out where your true loyalty lies

Don: Damn. Okay. Figure that helps.

Cole: You are welcome

Don: Thanks. Thanks. In the Eastleigh explosion, have there been casualties?

Cole: There have been explosions?

Don: I'm miles away and I know of home more than you. I'm proud…

Cole: Let me go on Twirra and don't rub that ‘I know home better than you’ sermon you diasporans rub on people

Don: Ha ha. I won’t. Have a goodnight. Thanks for your time

Cole: You are welcome. Thanks for the conversation.

(End of Conversation at 2.12a.m)

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” ― Steve Jobs

My only worry is did Don find the answers and/or clarity he was looking for? I don’t think I have the zeal to continue or even have anything useful to add but if the universe has to achieve a balance then that bitch sure needs to get her itinerary in order. No parents like burying their children. No friends like losing their sounding board or vodka buddies. Be that as it may, Don, May your young soul Rest in Peace; we’ll sure meet on the other side.

Cole