Random Thursday: There’s a drop of drama in every zega man…

Previously on T.S.R©

…I crave for the days men were handy to have around when required. They were not particularly intelligent but at least they could be taught how to light cigarettes, run errands, open doors and of course the biggest role of them all: give satisfaction in the bedroom 

…Who do you talk to when the man pussy is damn painful the following morning? When do you get into a relationship? (Most of us still have a problem of turning a fuck into some sort of engagement) When do you tell the trophy boys in your silly life that they have been discharged of their duties? When do you get that degree/ college qualification finalized? When do you draw the line between love and lust? When do you spot a loser from a mile rather than ending up with that used and dumped robe most pretty boys wear?

…I notice a bulge at the apex of his loins. Probably the normal male morning erection 

…‘Cole, where do we stand?’ He asked  

…I can no longer afford to be a cum bucket for men who are not going to commit to me.

*****

He boards the matatu at the bus terminus at Rose Avenue, Hurlingham. He has a T-shirt jersey with blue and white stripes on and a grayish tuque (or Bobcap) that covers his hair. His firm nipples on his broad chest are conspicuous. He has a great body that is a testament of regular work out. The bus is full except at the back where I’m seated so he has no option but sit next to me. He rests his rucksack on his developed thighs. I notice he has some bracelets on his right wrist and he reeks of sweat that immediately gets me thinking. Sh!t the guy already has a direct line to some secret places in me…

‘Cole! Cole!’ Izaak interrupts my thoughts. Let’s pick this from here some other time.

 *****

Cole: Phew, finally you are here?

Izaak: Yep, sorry for the delay, you know a pretty boy got to look fagulous! 

Cole: (Rolls eyes) Really Izaak, you dressed for T.S.R? You realize no one is seeing you?

Izaak: Bitch Please, Everyone is seeing me! (Makes a silly Queen of England wave)

Cole: Morning TSRIAN© Joining me on T.S.R is Izaak M, my co-author…

Izaak: (Interrupting) Can I have your twitter handle?

Cole: It’s Cole, underscore, Mutahi. Why?

Izaak: (Busy keying on his phone) There’s some shit I stumbled upon the other day that I want to tag you in; it was trending on Twitter…DONE!

Cole: (Scrolling his computer) Oh there’s a new interaction here …Goodness Izaak! The Blankets and Wine pic? Seriously you had to bring this finger–on–pussy thing here?

Izaak: (Evil Grin on his face) C’mon Cole don’t be a party pooper, Share it before the guest joins us! 

Cole: Izaak, the parents of the boys who read T.S.R or even Jesus lovers may sue us after this!

Izaak: (Rolls eyes) Hello…it was trending!

Cole: Okay fine, I’ll share it at some point but for now let’s abandon this talk until the guest goes. Did you check out the clip I shared on my timeline?

Izaak: Of course I did.

Cole: And?

Izaak: Hiyo ilikuwa ni kama ndrama, ni kama vindeo!

Cole: (Bamboozled look on his face) Now what is that even supposed to mean?

Izaak: Look, it simply means it was a great video clip to watch, that bitch sure ruffles feathers, whoa!

Cole: That’s why we have George, a coordinator from the NEST to tell us more about her.

Izaak: (Whispers as the guest settles) Bitch, see why it wasn’t a bad idea not to dress up? 

Cole: (Ignoring Izaak): Welcome George. So, Staceyanne Chin is coming to town?

George: Thanks Mutahi. Yes, she will be in town next week and performing on Friday the 15^th February, 2012 at  the Southern Sun Mayfair Hotel in Westlands.

Izaak: (sighs) Wait a minute, that’s a day after valentine? Pardon me…Eh…George. Cole you never said she’ll be in town. I thought it was just one of those hilarious clips you wanted my opinion on?

Cole: Now you know… 

Izaak: (Facing George) You sure an Oprah–certified and renowned zega girl is coming to town next week?

George: Yes.

(Izaak drools)

Cole: To be honest George I never knew this girl until I read some articles about her and watched some of those video clips on You Tube.

George: She’s adorable right? Just so you know, she’s 40, a Jamaican poet and…

Izaak: 40! You must be kidding me, really? 

George: Yes, really.

Izaak: (Surprised) Damn, I thought she was 2o–something! Cole we must meet her! George I’m sure you can organize a backstage meet and greet. I will carry my notebook and pen just to borrow notes from her. Please continue…I'll try not to interject.

George: (Steady eye contact) Not a problem. I’m sure we can work it out. Just as I was saying, she’s a Jamaican National, poet, author, activist, performance artist…basically a little bit of everything all rolled into one!

Izaak: And lesbian...

George: Yes, that too Izaak.

  

Cole: Wow, she’s quite a piece of work. I was reading an article on the Multichoice website that she has appeared on Oprah?

George: Indeed, she was featured on “The Oprah Show,” where she spoke candidly about her experiences of growing up on the island and the dire consequences of her coming out there.

Izaak: Told you Cole, zega people run this world!

Cole: I admit you are quite a sport Izaak. So George, what’s the catch for her? I’m sure she has an objective of doing what she does and I must admit, she does it effortlessly and beautifully!

George: True. Through her work she seeks to question the oppression and the limitations of identity, race, class, sexuality and belonging. In addition to performing in and co-writing the Def Poetry Jam on Broadway, Chin’s work has been published in the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Guardian. She has also toured internationally, held poetry workshops worldwide and performed in London, Denmark, Germany, South Africa – and now, Nairobi.

Izaak: Marketing Nayo! I am so bought for this event…

(George smirks)

Cole: So how does Izaak here and his cronies get to meet her?

George: Let me say it’s a worthy evening date for any LGBTI person out there. Tickets are currently on sale. Advance tickets go for Kshs. 1,000 while the gate tickets will be Kshs. 1,500. One can buy tickets via M-Pesa by sending Kshs 1,000 per ticket to 0706 050 564 and we'll make a booking with your name and phone number. Advance tickets will also be available from Thursday 31st at the NEST (directions here: http://www.becauseartislife.org/visit-the-nest/) and the BONK shop at the Junction Mall on Ngong Road.

Cole: Speaking of the Bonk Shop, I was there last Sunday evening but it had closed. I think it’s because my senior blogger Charles Baraka and I must have taken ages downstairs but I’ll definitely get mine this weekend. Those who can't make it to the Nest, you can make it to first floor of The Junction and...if you are also single and want to splurge something on yourself this valentine, you can get yourself one of their fine T-shirts! I'm sure the Bonk staff are seeing this!

Izaak: Cole, ntakuona kando (I’ll see you in camera)

Cole:  Izaak, I saw those T-Shirts on display. Thanks for stopping by George. I hope the event goes well

George: Thank you too and I look forward to seeing you.

Izaak: Absolutely your fineness! 

(The guest blushes)

Cole: Hmm...so, tell me about this Dorothy chic I hear you got into a cat fight with at Envy?

Izaak:  That was the worst night out a pretty man of my standing can ever have; some cheap ugly security guards chase you out and start working on you! By the way the NEST you mentioned is not like a bird's home right?

Cole: Ushamba Nayo (How backward)! The NEST is Kenya's home for creativity and arts located at Kilimani just Opposite the police station. Thank god you treated this as a in camera matter. Now on you being worked on, Bitch, you do realize that it's some sort of déjà vu? Remember Tacos last year but one?

Izaak: Cole, I was just having a great time on the dance floor. (Cole raises eyebrows) Fine, I may have gone down on someone just a little bit… Anyway it was just a nightmare with a tough experience ever! I pity that stupid cheap Congolese woman witch who probably can't even afford to buy herself underpants!

Cole: St...op it right there, you can’t afford to call people that, so how did you get the scratches. I’m glad they’ve fully healed, looks like it.

Izaak: I love my aggression upfront where I can see it. You rattle me, I will rattle back! So there I was like, 'Bitch, I’m in another page not your class! You should go back to your mother and learn how to wash your mouth!' Then the scuffle ensued. Such a lunatic if you ask me. That’s basically what happened. What's so funny?

Cole: Nothing really. You reminded me of something. I’m so glad Frank Ocean came out sooner. Is it just me or did you notice that he was complaining about a broken finger nail that will make him not play a guitar at the Grammys when he had that little fight with Chris Brown the other day? Same script, different cast gender.

Izaak: Let me just put it out and clear: There’s a drop of drama in every gay man’s system…By the way I think I should be hanging out with you more often. You have very fine friends, whoa!

Cole: Bitch, don’t push it, he’s taken. I think.

Izaak: Since when did that become a problem to me? Fine, I may be slightly taller than George but maybe when I remove these boots, we may be compatible, they are Prada by the way!

Cole: I wish you luck in that, you need it! Valentine is on the day before Stacey Chin performs. Men have gone underground, shouldn't I be worried or something?

Izaak: I ain't bragging but I’ll probably be at the coast that week. My beau is out of town so I might as well just keep myself busy. But then Cole, what do you expect? Aren’t you the same person who said you’ll no longer be a cum bucket to anyone?

Cole: You ain’t helping. One of my moderators suggests I should send chocolates to myself at work. I’m like that’s so lonely and creepy!

Izaak: Don’t you dare. I’m sure we can get you a man even on hire. I hope that JK guy is following this discussion or maybe it's time you suck up to David's wishes.

Cole: (Laughs hysterically) Shh... Enyewe, Mwanaume ni effort (A man is effort) I won't bank much on it. It's just a day created to frustrate single people!

Izaak: Now you are talking! In other man related News I found that dildo shop you asked me to check out for you….

Cole: (Head buried between his hands) Izaak, that was a privileged request!

 

Izaak: Bitch Please, if you are getting an artificial d!ck to meet your needs, we might as well tell the whole world you got a nice donk! It’s allowed and besides, you know I’m not so good with keeping such things to myself!

Cole: Anyway now that the world knows, what sizes are available? I’m not looking for anything less than…by the way (handing Izaak a piece of paper) how long is 10 inches?

Izaak: (Mouth wide open) The Fuck! Let me do this, I’ll just give you his number after this then you guys can work it out. I choose not to be involved. I'm serious!

Cole: (Smiling) I thought so. I shared the picture while you were flirting with the guest over a backstage pass and one of my moderators just asked me, ‘Is that a bisexual man with his fingers on boob and pussy? Eeeew!’

Izaak: Morgan here says: ‘I thought Blankets and Wine was an event for the ‘sophisticated’ in Nairobi. Well, if that is what we call sophistication then I’ll pass. Lesson learnt:No sophisticated gay man should ever be caught on camera in such a position!’

Cole: Thanks a lot for co-hosting, so we’ll possibly meet at the event?

Izaak: Well, if my coast escapade(s) end well then I’ll be so there. If not maybe the day after for bowling? I promise to bring for you the excess chocolates I will get on Valentine!

Cole: Uuuh! Those better be real chocolates not ones with some vanilla cream! I’m not so sure I want to be in this town after that Friday then I got mum's anniversary on that Saturday. I could really use some timeout but then that's something we can work out in camera. 

Izaak: For sure. You career (wo)men always burden yourselves yet you are in office even on Saturdays!

Cole: (Giggling) It's the process of getting rich bitch! Kindly have the honors of signing out. I got to head back to KICC to take some more pictures at the ongoing 'Kibaki Years' Exhibition. Look at this one for instance; I took it yesterday afternoon.

Izaak: Wow, this is deep and heavy. It gives me a sense of responsibility to vote and be an agent of peace in the forthcoming election. I'm not going back there. The person who originally took this must have really had it rough...

Cole: (Wiping a stray tear) Tell me about it...  


(Momentary Silence)

Izaak: (Takes a deep breath) Thanks for inviting me here, it's always a pleasure. To the rest of you thanks for your time. We will now leave you with that video clip we were talking about earlier in case you haven't seen it, one line: ni kama ndrama au vindeo! 

Adios! 

Cole & Izaak M