Of Hopeless Romantics, 40-year old daddies and the diva wannabes’

Last season on T.S.R

 

…Professional students’ are a bunch of crazies who have outlived their breastfeeding; …People think that at the end of the day a man is the only answer to fulfillment. Actually a job is better for me.

I just turned 25, OMG! Like WTH!? I'm already a quarter century old! I'm not sure whether I will be able to keep up with 'em twinks –Are there even twinks in Kenya? – But hey I got the looks and still feel like a virgin! But…

Prologue

Happy 2013!  

Yep! It's a new season. It’s been an arduous plan to come to T.S.R. Acknowledgments are in order to one Cole Mutahi through one of my customary scandalous online bitching rendezvous. Since November 2012 when this noble idea was conceived, a lot has happened in between though nothing much has changed. Being a new year I urge all you fellas to work hard, smart and dress for success! The bottom line being, you are your own ultimate goal! Don't make any excuses, remember time and chance happen to all…speaking of time, it’s like a flowing river; you can't touch the same water twice of the flow that has already passed! Enjoy life, take chances because at the end of it all the only regrets that you will have are the chances you didn't take, the relationships that you were too afraid to have and those decisions that you took too long to make.

I am Derrick Mathenge Muthoni. Yes! You did read that right: Muthoni! She is the iron lady who single handedly brought me up in the infamous Kawangware slums. I used to share a one roomed shanty with my mum, an uncle and two male cousins the youngest of the three being sixteen. It's through this hardship that my mum was able to mold me into the man I am today: a self-motivated, independent-minded and responsible young man. I am gay as they come; well I guess that's quite obvious and not one of those impostors we seem to be having lately. I have been gay since time immemorial! See, I am one of those few guys who never went through all that self-discovery, self-denial, self-acceptance and coming out phases that constitute many a zega man’s life cycle thanks to the aforementioned household structure and those ill-mannered uncle and cousins of relatives I had. They effortlessly undressed in my presence. This kind of environment aroused my naughty and curious mind to sample the three male d*cks at my disposal and at the tender age of six, I knew I derive both pleasure and leisure from masculinity. Since then the script has never changed. Now you know!

…I still feel like the gods have conspired to seal my fate in the world of loneliness nevertheless I'll dutifully, diligently and faithfully continue to wait for my knight in shining armor though that doesn't mean a pretty boy isn't entitled to some fun if you know what I mean (wink). Faithful and committed men are hard to come by. I think they have never existed but then good men abound in plenty especially in Nairobi. I mean, just look around you and all you see are fine looking men all over the place!

Being a new year, it's that time again we are all back to square one; drawing up resolutions! Tragedy is once our faithful employers’ deposit our January perks into our otherwise famished accounts, all the said resolutions are tossed into the one oblivion corner. I strive to achieve at least 75 % of my resolutions and that's quite a good score. This year I only have one resolution that I have drawn up: the kind of men I hope not to meet or date. I'm not sure whether I'll be able to stick to my list considering some douche bag somewhere will make a fool out of me taking into account that I remain active in our otherwise so chaotic zega social scene with it's never ending drama. So who is this I hope not to meet? Come closer. 

The Hopeless romantic!   

I was in a relationship with a hopeless romantic for one year, Yep! A whole 12 months of the calendar in fact within a span of eight months the relationship had moved from a simple date thro’ an engagement to a fully-fledged marriage complete with a ring on it! – In short within one year I had become someone’s wife!
So who is a hopeless romantic? A hopeless romantic is not as hopeless as the name might suggest. On the contrary, he is a true loving caring guy who believes in true love, fairy tales and happy endings! He believes in roses, candlelit dinners, walking on the beach at sunset and dancing in the rain while kissing. This is quite a sweet guy on the outside. He knows how to treat a man. He will go to any lengths to make sure his partner’s needs are taken care of but he expects something in return: Total commitment and loyalty which if not given back in equal measure will reveal the dark side of him.
Having dated a hopeless romantic, at first it really appeared so sweet that a guy would put so much effort into making another man happy. Thanks to Safaricom and its occasional offers. Unlimited SMS texts would flow into my phone endlessly 24/7 ranging from the usual texts between lovers, the edit and forward ones to the not so important ones like ‘I'm going to the loo’ and this would happen every minute of the day. Considering I was in college and I had a lot of time in my hands, it was fun but the guy had a day job! Where does he get all this time to keep texting even trivial matters!?

He would seize any opportune moment to call and "check on” me. He would call a minimum of five times a day just to hear my voice. This behavior is not limited to texts and calling. The hopeless romantic wants you to be with him all the time. He plans out all your dates and escapades out of town without even consulting you, he plans out your lives on how you will live together as one little happy family, he believes your match is made in heaven and it’s the only thing you live for. He even hopes Denis Nzioka and his cronies speed up their activism work so that gay marriage can be legalized in Kenya and you can adopt kids…and a puppy!

With time life caught up with me. I started getting busy, it got boring and I felt fatigued occasionally to a point I would not reply to most of the texts and failed to pick some of the calls, then all hell broke loose! He felt I was ignoring him and his efforts. Sometimes I'd feign lack of credit and he would immediately top up my balance so I had no excuse not to keep in touch. Sometimes I'd fake lack of fare to go and see him and that very minute: M-Pesa pap!  But I must admit the sex was mind blowing, whoa!

Putting you in your place

With this kind of behavior you soon realize that you are perfectly ensnared to an otherwise sweet romantic man but a control freak because it gets to the point where if you don't answer his calls, you do have to explain where you had been, what you had been up to and whom you had been with. He believes your world revolves around him and since you are the perfect couple, what else do you need? He gives you everything!  Sooner or later it dawns on him that his life is not going through his perfect script so he turns violent and abusive (and by being abusive I mean emotional, verbal and physical abuse) he calls it putting you in your place.

 

If you are sharp enough you realize that all this lovey-dovey and attention is suffocating you because at the end of the day you are still a man. You need space, you need independence, you need to chart your own destiny and here is a dude who wants you to give him your whole fuc*ing life! Sweetheart, you will miss out on half of your life by sticking with this kind of guy while you have nothing to offer in return! So all you hopeless romantics that live in a fanatical delusional world of happy ever after, I choose not to look at life through rose colored glasses but live in reality!

The 40 – year old daddy

This kind of guy is in a class of his own! He is most likely in his early forties or late thirties but likes to hang out with twenty-something year olds mostly "divas". Most likely he is married or a divorcee with a brood of kids and a disgruntled ex-wife to take care of. Worst case scenario: He is single! 

The former will never let you anywhere near his crib (though I hear some of you have even been quickly serviced in his driveway at the back of the car). He prefers you have sex in lodgings or if you have your own place the better. The latter is a disaster waiting to happen and his crib is famed for hosting all manner of boys majority being the boys from the countryside (they need to make a transition from the rural to an urban mentality you know); He has deflowered almost all of them like it’s an initiation into the cruel Nairobi gay life. He makes them believe that he has been looking for love for a long time and that he is the one and with a plate of chicken and chips (French Fries) at some cheap downtown restaurant. Usually he’s known to screw all rural – urban migrants then keeps them around for a week or two before another comes knocking. The former is thrown out having served his purpose! Green zega men from up country or the likes, kindly stay away from this daddy if you love yourself!

Of course the 40 – year old daddy drives (doesn't matter what make of car) and this is something that makes him quite a catch to those boys who don't "use" matatus  (public vehicles) since he gets to drive them around as they club hop. Club hopping is his second hobby. Just go to his Facebook wall which he updates like a sixteen-year old girl then proceeds to tag the usual Facebook whores and you will see what I'm talking about. The Facebook whores (mostly in their twenties) are his Bff’s! Who most of the times are after his money and all the liquor he can buy because the only place they get social is the local zega friendly bar. Never mind, trendy t-shirts and a pair of converse are alien to him!

Being a bottom is a weakness    

Daddy believes he is the ultimate top yet he’s always willing to bottom in secret. He also has this thing going on that he has seen it all in the gay world. He makes a move on you and you reject his advances, you will see a drama queen in disguise! He will proceed to tell you how you will not remain young forever and how you are soon heading to where he is. Usually he calls it – what was it again – Yes, a lonely place! (You are fifteen or so years his junior) He will tell how you will forever remain a bottom despite your education, looks, salary or whatever company you work for. To him being a bottom is a weakness and/or disability when you are not yielding to his demands. In fact he all of a sudden realizes you are not as pretty as you appeared to be.

What do I expect from a forty year old man? Without mincing words, a settled stable man who is running his own businesses, managing his own investments or at the top of his career ladder not some club hopping moron! If at all he believes in relationships as he purports to he should be in a stable relationship with a regular partner of his age group not a guy twenty years his junior. Case in point: Neil Patrick Harris (39) he of how I met your mother and his ever so adorable partner David Burtka (37). This is the kind of relationship idea daddy should emulate in 2013 to command respect from me.

The 20 – something year old diva wannabe 

My dear tops or the dominant partners, you are adequately spared on this one. 

This is the skinny bitch (though there are many fat ones too!) who thinks the whole world revolves around him and the world owes him a living. For starters he can sing or so he thinks! Never mind my singing in the shower would win me a Grammy compared to his singing. As a matter of fact, he has a number of albums to his name that are topping the charts all over East Africa and having more hits on YouTube than gangnam style! Beyonce and Lady Gaga are his ultimate goddesses. He lives in a fanatical delusional world of glitz and glamor believing he is more entitled to fame than Kim Kardashian or her developing fetus that’s more famous than any of us will ever be! 

Mr. Diva wannabe not only thinks he is a supermodel good enough to rival Naomi Campbell but also a self-made fashionista who believes Ankara is the greatest thing to ever hit the runway. He calls color clashing color blocking and all that crap that comes with street fashion. With his fashion – obsessed mind, he dresses all slutty and trashy then ends up looking like a scarecrow and still demands respect! He dines and wines at the most expensive restaurants if the posts on his social media space are anything to go by. He never wastes a chance to tell the whole world where he is dining or clubbing and Facebook and/or  Twitter is just perfect for that. Well, he is probably holed up in some nasty bit of Ngara and/or Dandora or dining and clubbing at the expense of some rich bloke who doesn't mind hustle free sex for a day or two. He has an expensive smartphone most likely white in color and the only language it knows is ‘aki woiye nisambazie credo’ (Please send me some airtime)

Falling in love on a first date 

He is always on the move from town to town. Let’s not forget that he is a college student, when does he ever get to study? As a matter of fact at 28, he is still a professional student.  He likes being hosted for a few weeks by guys and woe unto you if he settles in! He considers himself married to you and will update to the whole world how he is playing the good wife by cooking, cleaning and going to the market for his new-found 'love.' He will shout, scream and insult all his friends and perceived enemies who are jealous of the said romantic interest considering he falls in love on the first date!

Keeping up Appearances

What he doesn't realize is that these makeshift zega marriages are short-lived. After he has served his purpose he is kicked out. I have had the privilege to host one and all I saw was a broken young man who has no control over his own life. He has lost direction, he has fallen behind in his college studies in fact his academic qualifications don't measure up. He avoids his poor family like plague since they are an embarrassment to him. He makes outrageous demands to keep appearances. He does not eat sukumawiki (kale) only marinated chicken and all that crap but not at his own expense. He is full of negativity, anger and hatred, he lives on borrowed time and money; nobody measures up to his ‘class’. I think his soul needs salvation, he needs Jesus!

I hopefully urge the gods to conspire and spare me from these kinds of men. But then I pause here and wonder who my type is. Most of you are asking the same. That quiet, humble, college – educated, shy, workaholic, fun to be with kind of man…works for me.

I'm out, Cheers!

Mathenge Derrick ®

The author is your regular quiet laid back gay Kenyan dude who doesn't subscribe to the regular gay stereotypes in search of his own happiness in homosexuality and still marveled by the many surprises twists & turns of our sexuality. Most likely you have met him maybe you have not but when you do you will understand.