There's a Price...

By Cole M 

My suitcase is ready…almost ready. I just need to get those 2 suits from the laundry and regularize my transcripts of those two great articles that have taken a substantial amount of my wits and time…maybe then I’ll be ready. I have done my best to discharge all my man baggage. It’s going to be a whole month in a whole new environment. I don’t want to raise anyone’s hopes up. That’s why I had to take a little bit of time to neutralize things a bit. I’ve seriously been looking forward for this assignment since January when I switched jobs. Question is why is it that all these ghosts from the past (read as men encounters) start haunting when you are just on the verge of finally making something out of your silly life? That ‘Cole you are finally getting what you wanted’ conversation with my foster brother this weekend was really rejuvenating. 

My Dutch friend Jo-C gave me this book a while back and I’ve gathered that I’ve actually been getting old cans from the ditch. That’s why I specially thank him for that Mt. Kenya expedition. It was an eye opener of the finer things in life. I believe last week after the said voyage saw a lot of ‘misfortunes’ happen to all the three of us but I pause here and ponder: I guess when you find yourself just too happy and having the time of your life, it’s natures way of cushioning you against some kind of lurking setback. I am not so proud of the choices I’ve made in the past but I think I’m a sum total of those same choices. Always say I’ve done some pretty disturbing things for my time. It’s called the ultimate price earthlings! It ranges from that bar brawl, that random hook up with the guy who was kind enough to give you syphilis or some funny disease, that revenge mission on the Ex that got you hurt even though you won, that moment in a pretty boy’s life where you have three guys and can’t make up your mind, that morning when the man pussy is crying for desperate attention and there is just no one to blame. The list is endless babies! Remember that question I asked in some past article about how many guys you’ve met, how many you’ve slept with and how many you’ve really slept with? Well, I happened to recently hook up with some toy boy who coincidentally is on a ‘planning a shag’ terms with the Ex (My). We only did ‘the slept with’ part and Phew, there was no kissing involved just mutual pleasuring of selves. I call wanking pleasuring myself. Apparently I got a resounding lesson that some guys don’t kiss unless they are really in a committed relationship! I was helpful enough to share all the good information he’ll probably need including the fact that he falls in my second category of black lists. What?  C’mon, the queer scene in this country is a web of people who have all almost (sic) slept with each other. A pretty boy has needs!

A mistake I did in my last relationship (also known as emotionally co-dependent shitstorm) was giving excuses. Excuses when he never picked those calls, forgot to wish me a goodnight, stood me up on those situations when you were meeting friends just to socialize after some careful planning. Excuses, excuses, excuses! As I author this, I’m just from one of those random evening coffee trysts: the Trophy boy is discharged of his duties formally. It’s the ultimate price I pay after a moment of what I consider fun and I’d already started my excuses again (Izaak M must be rolling his eyes after bashing me last week). I just don’t want any predicament when I come back from this trip. Gosh, breakup conversations are still very hard especially to yours truly who believes in the old school way of doing it! The pretty boys’ code is still clear that face to face breakup shall always take precedence!

But then why does everyone want a fucking medal and a gold star for doing what they MUST do? In my view, it earns you ZILCH. It’s your DUTY. So let me spare you the pat on my own back. Reminds me the other day when I was telling Steph’ that my literature mentor was vigorous and once told me that I don’t need anyone’s permission to wipe my own ass after shit! My point is that you always know what you are getting yourself into and the subsequent repercussions. No one congratulates you for having decency and common sense. It’s the price!

As a budding writer, my worry is always about the next article, the blog statistics and/or ratings. Most guys you meet over a simple tryst worry about whether they’ll be mentioned in the next piece. Um--I hate to break it to them (and their therapists): You really don’t need me to validate your existence. Trust me.

The ultimate price I’m choosing here is a fresh start. I’m going to bend things over (don’t get any ideas) a little. 2012 is indeed a good year! Kindly, watch this space!

A pretty boy has needs...

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All we are is dust In the wind...

Two things: I have an out of town getaway trip first thing tomorrow morning and I hardly have a fortnight left in this city coutersy of some assignment I took up early this year. I have been having quite a rough week ranging from crazy work schedules, articles running late, solving some friends' relationship issues and of course finding myself in peculiar circumstances of dealing with an Ex (I don't want to give him any airtime here definitely that's the objective). Anyway how was your week? Did I ever mention that I value you?Now you know.

A couple of months ago when I was young(still am), restless and naive I found myself lying alone.Cold, ashamed and naked on the floor. It really got me thinking. I have really done some pretty disturbing things for my time.

                                                                                                                                                                          

I look back and a few questions dangle. Why were you Mr. M's casual sex partner on Friday and got to wake up on Saturday morning in his bed feeling ashamed and used and while still breathing the same air why did you get to spend  the whole weekend with Mr. N and head back home on Monday evening in his suit since it was a working day? What about those few trysts at Gypsies, Tacos, Sylk that made you head home at not so biblically approved hours of the morning with a human being you barely knew? What about waking up in some nasty bit of Nairobi you have never been before and all you can see is some crinkled condoms in the carpet? Leave alone all that...Have you had one of those sexual trysts during lunchtime in the mens' room at the office with a guy you've been chatting with on Romeo then the whole afternoon you end up wondering what the hell was that all about! I think it's all about priorities and values. All in the package of living your life. The problem with time is this: It goes on! We've lost many amongst us just because of taking no precautionary measures in terms of our safety, we've deflowered many a man-pussy and appreciated many  Eight inch rods not realizing the reality of a senseless disease. Some of us suffer in silence since I won't close my eyes to the fact that even sensitive issues like rape and violence exists among our people. Ever wondered where it all ends...just like dust in the wind there is some emptiness that crowns it all and all the activities that were swag transform into nothing.....dust in the wind. 

Before I let you go and you allow me take a three-day hiatus from this space, take a step back, look at your fine self: You are a human,beautiful,so beautiful, and can be anything,actually everything! Forget those homophobes and the clerics who seem to make it a priority every other day to make us look small yet you and I know that some are sick and getting serviced at our terms. Don't hate everyone just because someone broke ur heart. Your parents split up, your best friend betrayed you, dad hit you, that bitch called you fat,ugly, stupid, beyond his league . . . Don't concern yourself with things you can't control. Cry when you need to,then let it go when it's time. Don't hung onto painful memories just because you are afraid to forget. Live for something. Live for yourself. Fall in love. Question things. Tell people how you really feel.Create, Imagine, Inspire, Meet new people. Make someone's day. Have sex (lots of it). . . . Live your life to it's full potential. Just live. Let go of all of the horrible in your life and f***ing Live because in the end 
all we are is dust in the wind!

The Winter of Our Discontent

By W. Shakespeare

 

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visaged war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front;
And now, instead of mounting barded steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.

But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamp'd, and want love's majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtail'd of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deformed, unfinish'd, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace,
Have no delight to pass away the time,
Unless to spy my shadow in the sun
And descant on mine own deformity:
And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a villain
And hate the idle pleasures of these days.

Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous,
By drunken prophecies, libels and dreams,
To set my brother Clarence and the king
In deadly hate the one against the other:
And if King Edward be as true and just
As I am subtle, false and treacherous,
This day should Clarence closely be mew'd up,
About a prophecy, which says that 'G'
Of Edward's heirs the murderer shall be.
Dive, thoughts, down to my soul: here
Clarence comes.

Gay as you come; Baby, you are still defying gravity.

This week on Wednesday afternoon I was at the bank lobby downstairs. I ran into a familiar face from a chapter in my past at the Customer service desk.Let me just say anytime after I'd met that guy I usually felt used and abused but it's interesting how you just forget past hurts.He was really helpful though considering I'm making viable decisions concerning my finances this year. Two years ago I found myself cold, ashamed, lying naked on my floor after what I thought was a moment of fun. Just how many guys get a free pass when it comes to you? A pretty boy has needs so the adage goes but life was tough never to address the emptiness that came after the said needs had been met!

                                                                                              

I look back and agree with the pretty boys' code: You are a sum total of the choices you have made in life and it's the experiences that you've gone through that have built you into what you have evolved to be and believe me YOU are still evolving baby!My friend and fellow psychoanalysis enthusiast Stephane summed it into one brief but deep statement: You are defying gravity! 

This guy still hasn't called despite his promises, the weekends are so dry with no prospects, no inboxes, you are told that you are bad in bed despite your fetchy looks but come a new week you are still you...defying gravity.

This week The Situation Room hit the 1000 mark just a month after its birth.(defying gravity) I feel humbled when I get those compliments and gratitude that what you read somewhat gives you that nudge in life and believe me I won't disappoint you. Thank you for taking that time to read this stuff however opinionated or bitchy the author gets at times.He's defying gravity.

As I conclude this weekly piece hoping you are enjoying the above piece I will share with you something someone told me when I was being assoholic(sic):

Cole,this is life.People will screw you over.You will fight with your family.You will witness things that will change you forever(been seeing lots of these lately).You'll blame new lovers for the things old lovers did.You'll loose best friends you thought would always be there.You'll cry,Laugh and Embarass yourself. But then, You will find your very own moment that none of it will even matter!You'll realize that shit does happen to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are,and No one should want to change you, Including yourself! 

 Come closer: Mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Great evening/ weekend earthling!And Kindly Defy Gravity!

Pretty boys’ First Date Code

During this past Easter weekend I managed to spare some time for some bitches (They know themselves).The Trophy boyfriend was unusually busy but I’m sure he had a lot in his plate since there are no major strings but he was the major subject of this discussion. I was told inter alia that with my burgeoning status as a writer(add prefix gay)I ought to go through the whole dating process as prescribed in the pretty boys’ code (This Code will premier in this year’s April’s issue of Identity Magazine) so that I stop complaining about  random men in my literary works! Someone I know was once told that he should start dating high end pretty boys’. Remember that schoolmate of mine?(the one who I went to visit sometime in summer 2009 in Rongai and when we were getting readily cooked cereals for lunch at a stall in the nearby shopping center he ran into one of his estate crushes and before he even introduced me told him we were getting the green grams for his dog?That one.)He also made a comment while we were watching this series ‘Revenge’ that I have always had a bad taste in men since my High school days and he had evidence to back it all up! (I’m not telling since the bitch is very right)And here I was thinking I can spot a loser from a mile. I mean, what do you expect after going through a thorough Psychoanalysis class for a year? By the end of the rewarding afternoon other than unanimously agreeing that we will always be specific when meeting people online and not sharing everything with random guys until we meet them in person, we accordingly revised the dating clause in the code since most of you gay guys beat yourself that you messed up in the first date and then start wondering what impression you made on that great guy. You are sitting there wondering why he hasn’t called you for that second date which is very rare in queer circles.

Our ruling: It’s all in the Pretty boys’ First Date Code:

My attitude:
This is going to be a new thing for me, a new person and a new chance.
I am wonderful and special and if you are not the right one – the right one is on his way.
Dating is a test of compatibility. I am not emotionally invested in the outcome of this meeting.
I have met lots of new people in my life. My goal is to be friendly, thoughtful and warm and then go back   to the next thing on my schedule.                                                                                                                                                   I have NO control on what you will think or feel.

Actions I will take
I will leave at the appropriate time to get there on time recognizing there might be traffic
I have my cell phone, your cell phone number and the address/directions to the meet location
Before coming in to meet you, I will take deep breaths and SMILE
I will make eye contact and listen to what you are saying
I will leave in a designated amount of time…regardless of how much fun we are having
I will not take cell phone calls or check e-mails or text messages  whilst with you (The forthcoming pretty boys’ code article will expound on this)
I will not do anything left for my dressing table while we are having dinner( for divas kindly )
I will not cross my arms or look at others in the restaurant/book store/coffee shop
I have my dating bag: Reading matter, House keys, 2K emergency cash, breath mints and in the case of exceptional circumstances like a sex date: Lube, Condoms.
I have told someone where I am going and when I expect to return (In this age of blackmail who meets people just like that!)

Appearance:
I have chosen an outfit that flatters my good physical assets, a modern look, comfortable, a good color for me and is not sexually suggestive or business boring
Hair is clean and styled (no roots showing)
I Have NOT applied makeup
My Perfume is not overwhelming
Teeth are white/breath is fresh
Nails are short and NOT manicured.
I am not wearing new shoes
I will be conscious of my posture and how I behave next to you

Conversation
My goal is to be upbeat, welcoming, and enthusiastic.
I won’t monopolize the conversation
I will remain positive in my conversation – no whining, complaining, gossiping, arguing or criticizing people around you.
I will not discuss problems in my life – this is not the time or place.
I have reviewed your profile and know your name and other details from your profile and communications we have had.
My goal on this visit is to find out more about you and determine if I will be open to seeing you again.
I have prepared questions to ask and I have topics to talk about. I will frame them in a casual conversational tone of voice so as not to appear to be grilling you or filling out a questionnaire
Examples:                                                                                                                                                                                                      Tell me something most people would never guess about you.
How did you get interested in your farming, legal, banking e.t.c profession?
What were you like in high school or College?
I know what I will say if I need to fill a silence – current events or something that happened that day/ week that would be an interesting and relatively short story or something that you are very lucky to have in your life.
If you ask anything too personal – I’ll say, “I’d rather save this for when I know you better” and I’ll change the subject but I will answer it if it’s really okay.

Ending
I will offer to split the bill in the restaurants (hopefully, you will not accept lol!)
I will leave at an appropriate time for my visit and say: ‘This has been nice/great’. 

If I want to leave early, I will but I will do so graciously. “It was nice to meet you.”

In the case of a sex date my pretty boys’ still opine with the old order that you shall leave decently without bothering the host!

My Easter to You Babies!

Hey sweet thing! I have something personal to share before I finally close this Office PC, jump into the car and head for a deserved break.(Let's put on some classical oldie music in the background to reinforce my sentiments).

It's the Easter Weekend and I need to put a few things into perspective since interacting with you seems to always bring with it valuable lessons. Let's delve into a more sane aspect of my silly life:

                                                                                                                                                                      

Several months ago, in the midst of my last heartbreak(Yeah,now you know),I came across something that i want to share with u: Someone you haven't met is already dreaming of adoring U. He wants to kiss u, to hold you, to make tea for you. To know what your favorite food is & to treat you well. Right now somewhere in the world, the next great love song is being rehearsed & it will move u to believe in love again. My precedence flavored take on this: Don't give up on this love shit just yet.

The forthcoming controversial 'Bottoming' Article is probably going to be my first Article in third Person Narration.In all honesty, I'm thrilled. Thanks to the usual suspects who made this possible and even you my noble reader who takes time off your busy schedule just to sample the same.I value you to bits. While breathing the same air let me say one thing: As you retire for this long but deserved weekend,think about one thing: Life is what you make it, and yours particularly is Great

It happens to be a rainy season. I know this rain means mud, endless traffic, black outs and a general slow down since here at Nairobi we tend to be solar powered. Anyway it's been hot, dusty and dry for too long we must find a way to be grateful. Let the rain kiss you. Let it fill you with it's liquid silver drops.

Have a Feisty Easter Duckling - Cole Mutahi

THE TROPHY BOYFRIEND

We take a turn to the right. This is a visibly lush neighborhood. I take a mental note of the architectural designs of some of the buildings along the road noting the numerical signage indicating the address of residence. The vehicle pulls over to a high gate with a ‘No Hooting’ sign. The guard salutes him as he drives in after which he quickly resumes to shut the metallic barrier whose design is commendable. Sia’s ‘Breathe me’ that was playing on the car stereo dies down after he has brought the car to a complete halt with the gear at Neutral. Guys who drive a stick tend to be very meticulous. ‘Here we are’. He says.  ‘Wow, great place.’ I supply in response. I look around after stepping out of the car. This is one of those neighborhoods you can just leave your Porsche sitting along the road with the doors wide open and the worst thing that might happen is someone coming along and closing them for you. Talk about affluence.

I have just known him only for the past five hours before he suggested we go to his place. I get into his living room and the paintings strike me. I also take note of the plain but high walls and a family portrait with him in it at the rear end of the room. ‘Phew, this must be his family. Thank God he’s not married!’  I mutter to myself.

He comes back from the stairway all casually dressed and asks me what I’ll have. I ask for some warm lime water. No martinis. I’m already a couple of martinis ahead of humanity. When he comes back with the glass of water, He positions himself right next to me reaching out to my hand. Gosh, I have a lot to ask this man! But then my mission here tonight may just be limited to a one nightie so I abandon that line of thinking.

Bedroom dimly lit with some soft rock playing in the background, I’m all showered and smelling nice thanks to all those shower things in the bathroom and naked. He’s bare too! Chest to chest, nose to nose, lights off and action! The dick has once again done the thinking for me!

The Morning after…

My eyes finally manage to open. OMG! It’s nine in the morning. I look around the room. No other human being is present. I reach out for a large cream towel on the chair just next to the closet. ‘I have to get out of here.’ I say to my sorry self. Just as I’m tying the towel around my waist he walks in. ‘Hey Cole, Morning beautiful!’ He says as he gives me a soft peck on the nose and starts playing with the African bracelet and notices the tattoo on my left wrist. ‘What does it mean?’  He quickly asks. ‘It’s deep…I need to go’ I say. ‘Not just yet Cole, my housekeeper has made breakfast for us. Please just have some shower or even go back and sleep if you please. It’s Sunday and you still need that rest considering last night was so busy…’ He pleads with some remarkable plastic smile on his face. I notice he’s a very attractive man but not in a way you’d quickly notice. He’s bare chest with some knee-length shorts on, has a piercing on his left nipple and a unicorn tattoo on the back of his right shoulder. In his early thirties but definitely he’d pass for a college student, managing the family business and also a consultancy enthusiast as his leisure job. That must really be something considering he’s got a life out of his daily schedule at least to date and hook up. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to hang around. I jump back in bed and he joins me saying it was a great night. We start chatting about people and stuff. At some point he tells me that his family knows his sexuality. I decide to finally have that deserved shower just in his room as he reads the dailies. I come out and I get busy at the dressing table by the window. ‘This is a very classy metro sexual man.’

I’m finally ready to head out for breakfast. He puts on a tight T-shirt written, ‘I love d*ck’.

We run into a short but well built youthful boy probably in his mid twenties at the Hallway. He’s introduced to me as the housekeeper. All this time my hand is being held by the master of the house. I ask him whether his housekeeper knows. He responds that one of the criterion to employ him was that he had to tell him and so far the guy hasn’t pestered him.

The breakfast table was a sight to behold. Dry cereal, fruit slices, honey, milk, cup cakes and sandwiches with cheese and salami in them. I noticed he was eating an African cereal meal: Lentils.

He finally offers to see me off. The car is now at its garage house located just next to the house. I notice there is also a youthful black Merc Convertible next to the ride we used last evening. I've never looked for money in the men I date but let’s not labor the point. Affluent men tend to be very confident, calculated not forgetting they got a PhD in screwing up with your mind if you ain’t so smart. He drops me at the shopping centre where I pick a matatu back home. A text is sent that I inform him when I get home. I ignore it of course with the mindset that he’s just being a gentleman. In the queer scene you never get to the second meeting so I may as well just forget about being modest enough to respond.

A week later

‘Hey, when are you visiting me again beautiful?’ he asks. Oh my Gay! This guy actually wants a next time. This is scary but in a good way. I oblige which means I’ve gone against the code and this means that the guy is now overqualified for the post of a man I had a one nightie with. I’m getting to like him and always feel the need to be in touch. Someone pinch me! The problem with having repeated sexual rendezvous with a guy you simply had a one night tryst is that sooner or later you start getting attached.

Adam, my influential friend opines that I have a lottery but I’m not so sure. I don’t know his intentions. I don’t want to be attached to anyone or anything, at least not just yet. So after careful thinking and consulting the code I came across the title trophy boyfriend. He’s defined as that comely man who you can comfortably grace with social indulgences e.g. dinners at a friend’s place, getaway weekends, and horse races e.t.c. The whole purpose is to ensure your friends are there anytime you are with him so as to help you build a portfolio that you are stable and you got a love life (God forbid!) but then you never get to spend any time alone. After dazzling the society you go back to your lonely abode. The rules of a trophy boyfriend are clear: Never get clingy, never ask questions, never involve them in your personal life and the cardinal one is never fall in love!

As I type this, I have Easter plans coming up. Once again I threw the chance to get a real boyfriend down the drain. I don’t regret but then just to cushion myself from any co-dependent shit storm I think the inventors of the pretty boys’ code did us justice by giving us the option of a Trophy boyfriend.

Forget about the code: I’d say he’s the guy you simply can’t let go after a one nightie so you keep him around just as a trophy but then ensure he has his space since you’ll never have bragging rights on him!